Ironically, yesterday turned out to be a quiet day when it should not have been. It all started out with my therapist’s appointment. Instead of a video visit, the link wasn’t working so we just did it over the phone. So all my work with hair and makeup to get ready went nowhere. Fortunately, later on in the day I had another Zoom meeting to attend which I didn’t have to get ready for.
Between the meetings at the least I could watch the Cincinnati Reds baseball team who were playing a day game. Which they won.
You Cyrsti’s Condo regulars may know I am bi-polar and for some reason yesterday was one of those days I couldn’t summon much energy at all. By the time my Rainbow Alliance Board meeting came along at 6 PM, I felt as if I had no ambition for the meeting at all. Normally, it wouldn’t have been such a big deal but his time there were a couple of workshops coming up I wanted to volunteer to assist with.. One of which is in June and the other is in September, so I still have plenty of time to volunteer for one date or the other.
On the bright side, I received a very positive return comment from “Jenny” whose blog I just featured. Plus I am very fortunate to have a strong support system around me to help me when I am down. Including my meds from the VA.
On occasion I am incredibly surprised about how much more vane I am as my transgender woman self than I ever was as a guy. Of course it is easy to point out all the gender differences there are in fashion possibilities, even though even that seems to be in flux these days.
With me, from the earliest days of viewing my cross dressed self in the mirror, I dedicated myself to improving my “look” as much as possible. In fact, anytime I had the chance, I was practicing. It sure beat the time I had to spend in my boring boy clothes and crew cut haircuts. I couldn’t wait for the day I could purchase my own wig and better yet, grow my own hair out.
Of course, as the years advanced I grew “into” my feminine vanity and it became part of my existence. I guess more than a few feminists could say the whole process is part of societies’ method of subjugating women as a whole to unfair standards of beauty.
Since to a large part, I got such a late start to living a full time existence as a trans woman, I still feel the newness of the whole process.
In many ways, my bodily changes due to hormone replacement therapy have helped increase my vanity to new heights. For example, after I pulled my leggings on this morning, I noticed my thighs were increasing in size due to the redistribution of fat in my body. By now, I know you are thinking wow how mundane is that but it gets worse. With all the problems in the world, I notices one of my thighs seems to be bigger than the other. Of course I have heard of the relatively common occurrence of women’s breasts being different sizes, which is a problem I don’t have.
I wonder now, as I approach another appointment with my endo doc in the middle of this month, I am going to discuss with her the possibility of me moving my Estradiol transmission method from patches to injections. The injections I have heard are the most effective way of achieving the best femininizing results. Realistically, I am not expecting much more in my breast development but would like to see more in my hips.
Even though I have not decided which direction I will take (depending on what she says) I am leaning towards the injections.
I guess vanity will probably get the best of me again.
Another “Transgender Day of Visibility” has come and gone. In fact, a few organizations such as Trans Ohio made it a month long look into various aspects of transgender life.
With all the positive push to let the public know we are here and really aren’t all that different from everyone else comes many other issues.
Of course the main one is how hard we work to assimilate ourselves into the world of cis women as a whole. Once we have accomplished moving around in the feminine world, do we want to give it all up? I imagine most of us dread the Hey! that is a man in a dress syndrome.
Then there is the security problem we face as trans women. It remains a tragic statistic how many transgender women are attacked and even killed in the world today. If we are not a part of the fortunate few who have natural passing privilege, are we subjecting ourselves to violence? Conversely, if you are a young and pretty trans girl and don’t let your potential boyfriends know of your gender past, again do you open yourself open to violence.
All questions which are not easily answered every year when we come to the Transgender Day of Visibility.
On the other hand, being visible can be as simple as going out in public as your authentic self. Of course, even that has been curtailed due to the effects of the pandemic. Everything helps! I remember receiving a comment here in Cyrsti’s Condo from a reader who occasionally journeyed out to a venue as a woman and was accepted as such. As I said, pre pandemic of course.
Recently though, I have been impressed with the young transgender and/or gender fluid folk I have been able to interact with. During the recent visit with the university class and recent transgender – crossdresser meetings I have attended, easily three fourths of the participants have been in their 20’s or 30’s. To a person, they have been wonderful ambassadors for our culture.
The future lies with our youth of course and the Transgender Day of Visibility should be dedicated to all of them. In many ways, a few of us opened a few doors for them and now are along for the ride.
Every morning when I wake up, after I figure out which part of my old body hurts me the worst, I begin to think about what I will write about here in Cyrsti’s Condo,
After more than six thousand posts over the years, often it’s not the easiest process.
This morning, the idea didn’t come until I was talking to Liz about our past experience with Ohio University (not Ohio State) OU is a medium sized school in Southern Ohio which happens to have a well respected communication school.
It was of interest to me because at the time, I had over five years experience in the radio business as an announcer (DJ), was just out of the Army and had a couple years of GI Bill money I could use on education. Since I already possessed a bachelors degree, the natural move would have been to work on my Masters in Communication.
To make a long story short, I didn’t do it. I used all my usual excuses such as having a new daughter and not really wanting to uproot my little party world by moving to another. Looking back on it now, the real reason I was afraid of moving myself ahead was rooted in my gender dysphoria. When times became real tough mentally, I could always fall back on wearing a dress and makeup. I just bought into the fake reality that women somehow had an easier life.
The more accomplished I became with my feminine appearance, I became so close to actually finding out what women went through but remained so far away. Worse yet, I used the process to become very self destructive in my life. Too much angst led to too much alcohol as I tried to self medicate my bi polar tendencies away. All mixed in with a very strong gender dysphoria.
The end result is I am surprised I happened along several women who loved me over the years and I was able to survive and actually thrive on occasion.
Until I was actually able to fully complete my Mtf gender transition though, I finally was able to put my so close yet so far reality in the rear view mirror.
Living my authentic life still seems like a dream after all these years.
The next time you buy shampoo or other hair care products, you may want to consider using the Pantene line. Here is why:
“A new Pantene ad celebrates LGBTQ families by featuring a transgender girl with her two lesbian mothers, MetroWeekly reports.
The ad tells the story of Sawyer, her mothers, and their family motto, “Everybody loves everybody, no matter what path you follow.”
Ashley, one of Sawyer’s mothers, described the significance of her daughter’s hair in the process of transitioning. “Once she told us that she identified as a girl, she immediately wanted to grow her hair out,” she says in the ad.
“I remember the first time she was out in the community wearing the clothing she wanted and her hair,” Ashley continues. “And she kind of was herself. And that was the first day where I saw her.”
For Sawyer, growing her hair out made her “feel good and confident, and it made my insides match my outsides.”
Pantene posted a message about the ad to Twitter, writing, “Hair is a large part of our identity. And for LGBTQ+ youth like Sawyer, who choose to express themselves, their style, and their creativity through their hair style, it can help them feel seen.”
Fortunately I already have a bottle of Pantene shampoo in my shower.
In reference to the Cyrsti’s Condo post concerning the attacks on transgender athletes by Republicans around the country At the least, you have to admire the courage of trans athletes everywhere to compete in their chosen sports. Back in the day, I used sports as a way to mask my gender leanings. Fortunately these days, transgender sports fans are not backing away from participation in activities they enjoy.
Of course too, you have to factor in the influence of hormone replacement therapy on the athlete’s body. Which is part of Connie’s comment:
” I have to admit that I have mixed feelings on this subject, because it is far from an either/or issue. Fifty years ago, when I was on my boy’s high school track team, I was a better 440 yard runner than most boys, but I’m certain that I could have won the race every time, had I run against cis girls (I’ve checked the record books). Never mind the fact that there were many times when I would return home after track practice or a meet and secretly express my femininity through dress or activities, just as any girl might have. Of course, fifty years ago, I really had no choice but to keep my femininity a secret, and there wasn’t even a girls track team at my school. I seriously doubt that, if I had been free to declare my gender identity and there would have been the opportunity to join a girls team, I would have chosen to compete against the girls.
Puberty blockers and HRT would have made a difference in my athletic abilities. I don’t know how much difference, but I’m guessing that I might have been among the fastest girls; not necessarily a record-setter, though. Then, again, maybe I wouldn’t have had the same interest in competing against anyone – boys or girls – had I not been subjected to the ravages of male puberty. Much of the reason I had for participating in athletics was to hide my feminine identity, anyway.
So, I believe that trans girls should be able to compete against all girls, but not by mere declaration of gender identity alone. Whether it be through suppression or introduction of cross hormone therapies, there should be the requirement that a trans girl must have been under some regimen for a certain period of time before being allowed to compete against other girls.
I know there are people from both sides of the argument who disagree with me. While I can’t see the fairness in allowing only a self-declaration of gender identity, I certainly reject the notion that “biological boys” should be disallowed from girls’ athletics outright. The thing that gets me is that many of the same people who want to keep trans girls from being on girls’ teams because of their hormonal “advantage” are the ones who want to criminalize any hormone therapies for trans girls. But, as Paula said, these people are just trying to erase trans existence altogether.”
So true! Thanks for the comment. As I have written, HRT has robbed my body of a significant portion of my former male strength. What I will never know is how much of the loss could be attributed to age considerations.
I do know for sure, the entire idea of boys competing against girls is so wrong. The power of hormones changes all of that. As Paula said, all of this is once again a group of ignorant gender bigots trying to erase our transgender existence.
Recently I wrote a post here in Cyrsti’s Condo revolving around the concept women are definitely the high maintenance gender. Being the hard headed person I am, it took me years to learn exactly that. As my wife at the time kept referring to me as the “pretty, pretty princess” in my makeup heels and hose, no amount of feminine presentation could help me to understand exactly what she meant. It wasn’t until years later as I seriously started my Mtf gender transition did I understand.
Let’s check in with Michelle and her feelings on the subject:”I see that you, as well as so many of us have discovered, that being a woman requires many years of life lessons learned while growing up.
Females start very early in life learning so many skills, that men would never even think of, like communication, relationships, mannerisms and dealing with the trials and tribulations of dealing with the female body. It’s one thing to learn how to apply makeup and clothes styles but women don’t really get those lessons till early in their teens. Women start early learning that the somewhat care and feeding of their bodies will follow them throughout life.
Men on the other hand only deal with learning to (as my partner once put it) grunt, fart and learn how to somewhat intimidate the people they come in contact with. For women, life’s lessons are almost harder in the long run then men will ever know.
Women have to learn, starting very early, how to deal with so many aspects of their bodies and minds that can be both scary as well as rewarding. Men on the other side of the coin only have to learn only what puberty brings them. It’s more of a one shot deal for men. Women have to deal with it all their lives. “
Thanks for the comment!
I have always thought cis women have precious little time to design their lives around their bodies. After all. girls go through puberty earlier than boys to face years of having babies and monthly periods before their bodies then go through menopause. Through it all, women face the lack of gender privilege which men take for granted.
A transgender woman has won Miss Silver State USA.
Kataluna Enriquez, 27, started competing in transgender pageants in 2016 when she worked as a model. She began to competing in cis gender pageants at the beginning of last year advocating for inclusivity, diversity and representation.
I read lots of books, from mythology retellings to literary fiction and I love to reread books from childhood, this is a place to voice my thoughts for fun. I also like to ramble about things such as art or nature every now and again.