Would You Give Birth?

This was a question which was posed by one of the many bloggers I follow.  The only difference was, it was supposed to be answered only by cis guys. I couldn’t let it go and jumped in with my answer as a transgender woman. 

Over the years, I have known or encountered many trans women who would consider giving birth as the ultimate feminine experience.  Others even crave the idea. 

Over the years my idea of pregnancy has changed. I suppose it goes all the way back to my days with my deceased wife when she was fond of calling me the “pretty, pretty princess.” Adding I didn’t have any real  idea of what life was like for a cis woman. Sadly, she was right.  The last thing I wanted to think of was what cis women had to think of (and do) when they bear children. I was too busy thinking how I looked as a woman was the most important part of my life. 

Politically also,  pregnancy is the point many cis women transphobes make that only real women can bear children The argument of course doesn’t hold water because many cis women are born sterile without the proper “equipment” to go through a pregnancy. Not to mention the countless cis women who don’t desire parenthood at all.

These days, possibly due to the effects of hormone replacement therapy my ideas on pregnancy have changed. Of course it is easy to say at my seventy years of age (plus) deep down I can sense I wouldn’t mind being pregnant. However, I don’t view the whole process as the ultimate pinnacle of my femininity. For some reason now, my body tells me now it wouldn’t be out of the question if it was medically possible. 

Possible or not, the whole pregnancy idea has become yet another question to ponder. These days I think I would/could give birth if it was possible.  

Kim Petras

 If it seems Kim Petras has been in the public eye forever, it’s because the transgender German entertainer started her Mtf gender transition at a very early age. Here is more from “Women’s Health.”:

“German singer and songwriter Kim Petras is the pop queen behind bops like “Heart to Break,” “Icy,” and “Broken Glass.” Oh, and she goes from dark and moody to bubblegum pink flawlessly. Ahead of the 2020 U.S. election, she worked with MTV, LogoTV, and Trans Lifeline on a campaign to provide grant money for trans people to update their IDs.”

She is 28 and released her first recording in 2011. 

Finally

Seemingly, like a bunch of screaming spoiled children, the state of Ohio has given up and will not fight the court case which allows transgender women and men to change their birth certificates. 

This comes from Cincinnati.Com :

“The Ohio Department of Health will not appeal a December court decision requiring the agency to accept requests from transgender people to reflect a gender different from the one assigned at birth, according to a Thursday court filing. The department is working on a process for people to request the change and expects to have it in place by June 1.”

Not surprisingly plaintiffs in the case said they ran into legal and professional problems because the gender on their birth certificate didn’t match their driver’s license and other government documents. One was physically threatened after her mismatched birth certificate outed her as transgender at work.

Ohio and Tennessee were the last two states to deny transgender citizens the right to change their birth certificates to reflect their authentic gender.  

Taking this one step further, since Ohio automatically uses the gender on your birth certificate on your death certificate, this is a big deal.

Need a Date?

Unfortunately, too many transgender women are very lonely and can’t find any stable social contacts. Either with women or men. Back in the day, I went through the same dilemma. At the same time I was going out to venues to seemingly entertain myself, I searched many on line dating sites at the same time. Needless to say, I sifted through a lot of trash until my partner Liz found me. What I mean is, she answered my ad on the Zoosk dating site. That was nearly nine years ago and we have been together ever since. Perhaps I was fortunate in that I was fairly unsure about where my sexuality would take me, so I could double my search to both men and women. 

Back then, there weren’t any real dating sites which dealt with transgender women and men. Most all were fetish sites mostly populated by male admirers of trans women. I had the misfortune in my dealings with admirers. One corned me in a hallway once during a party and one wanted to just wear my panties. I won’t even mention the number of times I was stood up or “ghosted” by men.

Today though, a new transgender dating site has been announced which promises to be different.  I don’t like the name but here is the info:

TransFable, a brand-new dating app for men and transgender women, is set to take over the digital world of transgender dating this year. The first transgender dating app of its kind, TransFable offers users a safe and secure platform to meet their match, where transgender women can connect with genuine men for free.

TransFable stands apart from its competitors as a transgender dating app specifically designed for those seeking serious and genuine relationships. It can be a challenge for both men and transgender women to meaningfully connect with one another and TransFable offers the perfect place to do so. Indeed, if you are looking for a hook-up, this is probably not the transgender dating app for you. However, if you are serious about finding a genuine match, then TransFable is the transgender dating app to be on in 2021.

All users on TransFable are manually verified by a human so you can be rest assured that you will not match with any bots or fake profiles. “

Peaks and Valleys

Being Bi-Polar myself, I have become used to the ups and downs of my mood reactions to life. Quite possibly, before I was diagnosed with my own version of being “Bi” I did my share of hiding behind a dress to take my mind off the daily stresses of life. 

Of course, I could argue the simplest stresses came from trying my best to live up to male standards as I lived my life. 

The older I got and after I was honorably discharged from the Army, the worse my mental issues became. On occasion it was a struggle to just to get out of bed on certain days. Along the way, I finally resorted to therapy. The first guy I went to was a total waste of time as he didn’t seem to want to discuss my fondness for cross dressing at all. I solved the problem by going to one of the very few therapists in Ohio at the time who had any knowledge at all of cross dressers as this was way before the transgender idea was even discussed. 

Ironically, it was her who diagnosed me being bi-polar and was able to separate it from my gender dysphoria. She was blunt (and truthful) when she said my desire to be a girl would never go away. For the first time in my life I felt a glimmer of hope. 

Even still, it was difficult for me to separate my two main issues and continue to live a reasonably successful life as a cross dresser. Meaning I was a woman cross dressing as a man. Years later when I needed to take advantage of the Veterans Administration health care, I was paranoid if I would find a therapist who would understand my complex problem. Fortunately I did and amazingly nearly ten years later she still is my VA therapist.

She was the “gold standard” for me as she signed off on helping me begin my hormone replacement therapy all the way to providing me documentation to facilitate changing my legal gender markers in the civilian world plus within the VA itself.  I consider her as one of my top three people who assisted in my early Mtf gender transition. 

These days, while I still have the occasional valleys in my life to climb out of, my medications keep my moods relatively stable and I am able to understand when  my gender dysphoria  enters my life. More so than my Bi-Polar condition. 

Most importantly, I have done away with my self harm issues. It took a while to separate all of this out but thanks to a ton of help I have learned to live the peaks and valleys.

Changes

 It took me a lifetime of living to partially understand what we all should know. Life is but a series of changes. Once we quit changing we die. 

Years ago, due to financial considerations and other excuses, I put off needed dental work. My excuse was I didn’t think I would outlive my teeth since everyone around me was passing away. Well, I proved myself wrong and now this week, I need to pay my dues and go to the dentist. I can’t even speculate what will happen.

Interestingly, I am filling out the information forms ahead of time on line and quickly I came to the gender portion. I was given the usual binary choices of male and female and a third choice of “unspecified”. I chuckled to myself thinking now I was unspecified? 

It’s a big week for changes. Today I have a virtual appointment with my endocrinologist which is all about changes to my body. Hopefully, the visit will be all positive because I am pleased with all the feminine changes going on in my body. Even my breasts seem to be fuller these days. As mentioned, my dental appointment for dentures is tomorrow and my therapist virtual visit is Wednesday.

I haven’t figured out yet if being older brings on a resentment towards change. Perhaps it’s the idea I have already been through that before, why should I have to do it again?

When you consider the pain, suffering and fear which comes with gender dysphoria and being transgender, how can anything in life compare. 

Changing your gender has to be the most difficult process a human can attempt besides being born and passing away.

Deception

 Recently I have mentioned here in Cyrsti’s Condo several times about how most of us were forced into extreme measures to protect and hide our gender dysphoria, way before we had any idea what the term even meant. Along the way I mentioned to all of you the lengths I went to hide my feminine cross dressing “stash”. I wasn’t blessed to have supportive parents, so I had to become very creative. 

Speaking of non supporting parents, read on and learn of Connie’s problems:

Image from a mirror…2010

“My hiding place for my “stash” was inside the box springs of my mother’s bed. I had discovered a tear in the bottom cover, and thought it would be the safest place because she would never think to look there. One night, though, while she was watching TV in the family room, I had the urge to retrieve my feminine accouterments to play with later in the night. I was totally surprised when she came into her bedroom and onto her bed. It felt like hours to me, as I hid very quietly under her bed, waiting for a chance to make my escape. Finally, I heard her snore and snuck out of her room. I changed my hiding place right after that, behind a panel I made removable in a basement wall. She eventually discovered that place, though, and I’ve told you the nightmarish story of how she’d laid all my stuff on the kitchen table, for me to see when I came home from school – and then made me load it into the car to take directly to the county dump. :-(“

Wow! Connie’s experience makes me happy my “stash” was never really discovered, to my knowledge. My Dad was very shy in discussing anything which became even remotely sexual in nature, so I often wondered if he discovered my “collection” of hose, women’s undies and makeup in the garage. He may have thought it was a phase. 

Over the years though, like so many of us, I went through destructive purges when I decided to rid myself of all of my feminine items and thus live my life in the lie I desperately was trying to live. The process always seemed to work for a day or two before I was thinking about going back to my cross dressing ways. 

I wish I could reclaim a portion of the money I wasted on my purging efforts over the years and more importantly, the wasted time and energy I spent on the deception I tried to use to lead my life. 

Back to College

 Recently I visited  regional universities twice  (virtually) to take part in LGBTQ discussions. The most recent was as a guest of a sociology professor at her masters degree class at Miami University of Ohio.  There were four of us there including another transgender elderly woman veteran and two cis gay men. 

Campus, Miami of Ohio

Along the way, the class provided us with a lively discussion. I had two questions directed specifically at me. The first of which asked what was “Crossport” which is the transgender – cross dresser support group I am involved with here in Cincinnati, Ohio. The only problem was, with a slip of the tongue, I undirectedly talked down to the cross dressing portion of our membership. With me, I have many “slips” so they are relatively common. Yesterday, I simply said the group dealt with transgender women and men all the way down to cross dressers. In no way shape or form did I mean it negatively but I am afraid it did. After all, I considered myself a cross dresser for over fifty years. 

At any rate, I apologized and went on to my second question from a student asking what to do if they encounter a negative situation  from a negative person in an assisted living situation. I of course replied it is one of my biggest paranoia’s concerning my future. My only answer was just to be the best ally you can be and provide as much support as possible, 

Finally, I learned another fact I didn’t know from the other trans woman who was in our group. As one of the students who had worked in a hospice last summer told her experience of a transgender woman losing her fight to have her authentic gender on her Ohio death certificate. It seems, here in the backwards Repuglican stranglehold of Ohio, whatever gender is on your birth certificate automatically is placed on your death certificate. Even though the courts have declared Ohio’s refusal to change gender birth certificates to be illegal. Ohio so far has refused to abide by the ruling. Leading to yet another court case. 

So, as you can see, I was part of an interesting, fast paced class and the hour went quickly.

Since my Mom was a Miami graduate there was more than a little gender poetic justice!

A Busy Week?

Summer in Ohio

This week could turn out to be deceptively busy.

Today (Monday) I went with my partner Liz to receive her second vaccine shot. Tonight is another transgender – crossdresser support group meeting if I chose to attend. I might since the last one was well attended and not too boring.

Wednesday is my second college class virtual Q & A with a couple others from the Rainbow Elder Group I am a member of. The first class I went too a couple weeks ago at another local university proved to be educational and lively. The students came up with great questions concerning transgender folks.

Along the way this week too, I plan on calling Liz’s dentist to make a long put off appointment to schedule quite a bit of much needed dental work. It will be interesting to see how fast they will take to schedule me.

Updates to follow.

Finally!

Old Picture…Fake curves and Hair.

As I rapidly approach my upcoming endocrinologist appointment early next week, I happened to  observe a real improvement in my bodies’ feminine development.  My hormone replacement therapy path has been slower than most I feel because of an abundance of caution due to my age.

After starting HRT New Years Eve 2013, I was taken off hormones for six months shortly after and was allowed to resume my minimum dosage. Through it all, I still felt the changes were occurring. It wasn’t until recently I began to feel somewhat impatient with my changes. My Doc responded with increasing my Estradiol patch dosage. All of a sudden, changes began again. 

Most noticeable to me was the pesky hair on my arms began to finally thin out. Before it did, routinely I had to shave my arms which I am aware can make the problem worse over time. 

Circling back to yesterday, the weather around here in Cincinnati turned warm again and I had a chance to dress appropriately. I found my patterned light weight leggings and paired them with a three quarter sleeve tunic top which falls softly over my hips. Yes, I said hips. Hiding from me the last several months was how developed my hips were becoming.

For once, my transgender gender dysphoria took a break as I checked out a glimpse of the femininized  person I was becoming. 

Even though I know my dysphoria is a powerful foe, I take any small victories I can get and cherish them.

At the least my relief will last a couple days, at least until my Doc visit and go from there.  As you Cyrsti’s Condo regulars know, I was considering requesting injections to hopefully kickstart more progress but now I think I am content to continue the path I am on.