Every time I finish an appointment with my long time therapist, my partner Liz always digs deep to discover if I have told her (or anyone) of my deepest secrets. Yesterday, I finally told her (Liz) no I don’t go that deep with my therapist. I have a tendency to dance around any subject which pertains to me. We have been having sessions now for nearly a decade now so her familiarity with me allows me to dance away and rarely does she (therapist) catch me.
I’m sure the reason I do it is goes back to the majority of my life when I struggled to hide my gender dysphoria totally along with the inability to even understand what was going on with being bi-polar. Needless to say the entire process was very difficult and I became very good at hiding my true self from others.
Even though Liz still has to take a pry bar to me to get me to show emotions, I am trying in my own backward way to be more outgoing.
As far as my therapist goes though, maybe I should pull down the barriers and let her have it. Then again maybe not. My Dad was very emotionally withdrawn. It’s just so difficult to overcome.
Yesterday was time for my bi-weekly appointment with my long time therapist from the Veterans Administration.
The session started with the usual questions. How is everything going and have I had any thoughts of harming myself. I answered truthfully. Everything is moving along fine and no I haven’t had any thoughts of self harm since the last time we talked.
Since it was a video appointment I did do my beauty routine, pulled my hair back and was ready. I chose a short sleeved tank top which happened to be a beige patterned fabric. I guess on my old lap top camera it looked as if I wasn’t wearing anything at all because not too far into the session, she asked was I wearing any clothes?
After the laughter died down, I assured her it was warm in our house but not that warm.
We finished the session with me telling her maybe naked therapy was the wave of the future. She said I would be surprised all the things she sees since the VA started video visits.
Actually, from my experiences when I used to show up in person for my appointments, nothing would surprise me.
When I woke up this morning and headed to the bath room, of course I had to check myself out in the mirror to see if I was still alive.
Even after all these years, the mirror experience can never be taken for granted. On certain mornings I see too much of my male self peaking through. Then on other days, I am pleased with seeing all my hair along with my breasts, soft skim and rounder face. All of which scream feminine.
To make a long story short, I am living on a gender fault line. Another word for the gender dysphoria which has been part of me for as long as I can remember.
I feel the tremors. Not as bad as when I was trying to live as both genders but still noticeable. I used to have the tremors so bad I could feel an explosion coming on if I didn’t cross dress into my authentic self to relieve the pressure.
I would not wish my life on the gender fault line on anyone but then again the chance to experience both human binary genders has at times been electrifying yet terrifying.
“G” sent in a follow up comment to the Changing Gender Gears post:
“There’s nothing better than acceptance by cis women. I used to visit a shop in England run by two women who knew my story and were fine with it. They treated me as a woman from the get-go.. and passing through the glass wall that separates the sexes opened up the conversation to things that would never be discussed if I was a male. It was the best experience of my life. G”
Thanks for the comment!
Definitely being accepted into the girl’s sandbox can provide a wonderful education. Good and bad. I have written many times how my acceptance by several cis women helped me over the rough spots as a novice transgender woman.
Most importantly, I learned to communicate with other women on their level, which was a giant gender step. I can’t tell you how many times I heard the infamous “welcome to our world.” I never was able to explain I was always in their world but had no way to show it.
Sure there were set backs along the way. Being stared at and ignored by some (men) and even being yelled at for using the restroom (women) nearly broke my heart on occasion. It never though, broke my will. I knew I had chosen the right path and had to stay on it.
Finally, acceptance came my my. Some grudgingly, some not. It was so worth it when it did.
Of course I am biased but I have always thought a human changing gender was one of the most difficult things to attempt.
As far as I am concerned, as I began to become more serious about making the jump to a transgender feminine life, I began to practice feminine mannerisms when I thought others weren’t watching. I would go to big box stores during their down times just to practice my walk.
Earliest known Picture Circa 2012
Make up wasn’t such a problem for me as I had been applying it for literally decades before I seriously decided to transition. As I remember though, I had to remind myself to not overdo it. As I started to go out and live with women and be accepted, I had to learn to blend.
Of course, all bets were off when I started hormone replacement therapy. Even though I started on a bare minimum dose, the changes began to be very unmistakable. The obvious happened, I grew breasts and let my hair grow out. The surprise came when my skin softened and my face began subtle changes. All in all, I had planned a year before I had to put my male self in the closet. I ended up revising it to six months.
As I look back to the whole experience, I was fortunate in that I found a small group of cis women to socialize with. I always say they taught me more about the feminine lifestyle than I could have ever learned on my own. But learn I did.
Putting my old guy self in the closet was one of the most satisfying things I have ever done. Overall though, changing gender gears was as terrifying as it was exciting. It was an experience I was born to do.
By now, I am sure you have heard the exciting news the cover model of this years “Sports Illustrated” swimsuit issue is transgender woman Leyna Bloom.
When I first heard the news, I think it took awhile for the enormity of the cover to set in.
Obviously, it is one thing to make it into the issue as a transgender woman at all but to make it on to the cover is wonderful.
All of my thoughts turned to “back in the day” when I worked as a restaurant manager and had a “Sports Illustrated” subscription. all my cooks knew I was going to be receiving the swimsuit issue and were clamoring to see it ASAP.
I can only imagine their reaction when they found out the cover model was transgender.
Perhaps times have changed enough that it’s time for a Leyna Bloom to be accepted.
Connie commented on my diet post yesterday which joked about having to run around in the shower just to get wet:
” Maybe you should run yourself a bath, instead? 🙂 Keep it up, girl! I’ve gotten down to just 5 pounds over my high school football weight of 167 (I drank so many milk shakes with raw eggs just to maintain that back then). I weigh myself once a week, mostly out of curiosity, but I’ve learned, as have you, that the scale is not the best way to keep track. I’m hoping to drop that 5 pounds in the next two weeks, as I am living the bachelorette life until my wife returns from her Mexican vacation (I like Mexico, but I’m not sure it would like me anymore).”
I agree about taking a Mexican vacation! My goal is to get down to my Basic Training (Army) weight of 180. But overall, I just want to try to have more energy and feel better.
Speaking or writing of a vacation, Facebook did me a favor (?) and sent me a photo of our summer trip out west to Colorado a couple years ago. On the way we stopped at an ancient train depot in Abilene, Kansas. It was 99 degrees that day. FYI, I am a huge rail buff.
I could use the kinder and gentler “envious” word but I can’t. Yesterday I was just jealous.
It was grocery shopping day and Liz and I went out to battle the heat and stock up on all the fruits and vegetables we needed for our new diet.
As we started our journey down the produce isle, I couldn’t help but notice a woman in a short romper style print dress. I was entranced. The whole process took me back to all the old days of desiring so many cis women. Not sexually. I wanted to be them. To feel what they felt.
As all the old feelings came flooding back to me, I told myself the usual. Even though I have achieved more than I ever thought I could in a transgender world, I will never in this lifetime achieve the body and look of the woman I was admiring.
All too soon she went her separate way in the store, my dreams faded and the reality of the day set back in.
Perhaps, by now you have heard the good news “Mj. Rodriquez” transgender lead in the Pose television series was nominated for an Emmy. This of course is a first for a transgender actor or actress.
However, the trans entertainment news is not all good.
This is from EW.com:
“The LGBTQ media organization acknowledges the past year resulted in a unique situation for theatrical movies, but it still went ahead with its 2020 Studio Responsibility Index, their report card for sorts on how well Hollywood’s major studios brought LGBTQ representation to the screen. GLAAD found that, out of the 44 films released by those entities, none of them included trans or non-binary characters.
In fact, this is the fourth year in a row where this has happened. By GLAAD’s own estimates, that’s zero trans characters out of almost 400 films since January 2017. The last time a transgender character was included in a major studio film — Disney, Warner Bros., Universal, Paramount, etc. — it was an “offensive caricature,” as GLAAD dubbed it: Benedict Cumberbatch’s All in 2016’s Zoolander 2.”
I read lots of books, from mythology retellings to literary fiction and I love to reread books from childhood, this is a place to voice my thoughts for fun. I also like to ramble about things such as art or nature every now and again.