opinion – Cyrsti's Transgender Condo

Public Feedback

Michelle commented on the Cyrsti’s Condo “Dysphoria” post:

“One of the things about Dysphoria is that we seem to have an over whelming need to have others confirm what we already know about who we are. If you really look at it, you already do have some public feedback through this site. I don’t know if you have a counter on it but just the fact that you get comments from others shows that you are getting the confirmation. Hopefully soon this quarantine will be over and many of the places we have frequented in the past will be open for business. Also remember that what we see in the mirror is not always what others see. We tend to be harder on ourselves than what others perceive.”

All great comments! I do on occasion get feedback from all three social media/blogging platforms I am on…it still doesn’t seem to impact my “forever” curse of transgender dysphoria. I guess I am fortunate enough I don’t have to get up everyday and get totally dressed for the mirror since the only other people who see me daily don’t care. I am who I am to them.
I guess, the past is just so hard to get rid of! Used to tell people I had more baggage than a freight train! Every now and then the train slows down enough I can rearrange the baggage.

The Transgender Planets

If women are from Venus and Men are from Mars where are transgender women from? Without a whole lot of thought, I pulled up a group of pictures of the planets and came up with a quick one which called to me and it was Jupiter although I did like the look of the rings of Saturn. Saturn would represent the circles we trans humans go around and around in as we try to find our true selves. Jupiter I liked because of it’s colors.

Returning to the original point, trans people are definitely the gender travelers of the human race. We are blessed (or cursed) with living portions of their lives as one gender or another with out ever having a choice. Many of us are left to view from afar life on the other binary gender planet such as Venus. Along the way too, we often think the grass is greener on the other planet until we live it.

I am still of the opinion a man’s life on Mars is less layered than a woman’s life on Venus. Not that each gender doesn’t have it’s challenges. But, women do have more of an on hands job with the children they birth, the men they marry and the jobs they choose. When I lived a relatively successful life as a man, I came to understand early the benefit of bring part of teams. Be they part of sports, the military or work. When I made it to Venus from Jupiter, I found women don’t operate in teams as much as they do in cliques.

I also came to learn the power of the Alpha female on Venus versus the Alpha Male on Mars.
After spending time on both planets and coming from a third, I am surprised the genders are able to co exist as well as they do. It is a true tribute to the human race. I also learned how long a trip it is to Venus from Jupiter for a transgender woman. And then how difficult it is to be accepted on Venus once you get there.

Best of wishes for the smoothest journey for all of you.

The Elephant

Connie came through with a comment which may help us all who struggle with how our Mothers viewed our coming out as transgender:
“I’m sure that my mom did not understand my behavior any more than I did. She was embarrassed of me, and probably figured I might have been gay – or some other kind of ‘pervert.’ Then there was the fact that she had to raise me alone, after my father died when I was eight-years-old. She must have felt as though she was a failure as a parent, and then, maybe, placed some of the blame on no male influence in the house. I’ll never know all of this for sure, as we never discussed it – the proverbial elephant in the room.”

I think too, women (Mother and/or spouse) do take it personally when we transition. Feeling somehow it was their fault. Unfortunately, many never come to the realization we (the trans person) never had a choice. In many cases, the choice was to transition or to die.

I have always felt my spouse in particular who didn’t mind me being a cross dresser but drew the line at any kind of transgender ideas was (rightfully so) more concerned about what friends and family would think than what she thought. Since she is deceased, I can’t ask her. As far as Mother’s are concerned, they are more concerned if they did something wrong.

My final point is, never underestimate the influence of a cis woman’s ego.As with everything else in the gender spectrum, the feminine ego is as strong as a man’s, just in a different direction. Inheriting a transgender person later in life can’t be easy. It is about as far removed as possible from the fairy tale romance a girl may have dreamed of in their youth.
It is just so sad any of us have to negotiate such a traumatic experience in our life. Either transgender women/men or their Mother’s and spouses. The elephant is hard to move.

How to Identify a Trans Woman

Bobbie sent me a link on a very interesting post concerning a very proud view of how to identify another transgender woman, from a possible “admirer”. The post is I think a couple of years old and is approximately a six minute read. It specifically goes into a few of the challenges we face as we try to make it in a feminine world. Here are a couple excerpts. The first considers height:

” Height is perhaps the easiest thing to look at first. Trans women are generally much taller than their cisgender peers. The shortest trans woman is invariably of “average” to “above-average” height for a woman. So, a trans woman of “average” height compared to other trans women is downright statuesque when compared to her cisgender peers.Unlike high fashion models, whose height often accentuates their frail frames, the height of trans women speaks only of excellence, and fortitude. It is a height that comes from an unrelenting and undaunted pursuit of freedom and justice. Trans women shine out, like a beacon of this freedom and justice, over the forces that seek to see them bent or broken.”
The second is legs: “Now, obviously, height alone won’t get you very far. After all, there are some — not many, but some — statuesque cis women. That’s why, after considering height, you need to move on to a more fine-grained analysis of the women around you. For example, you might take a moment to look at the legs of the women around you.

Trans women have incredibly long legs. In addition to their length, trans women’s legs are often firm and unyielding — particularly when it comes to their quadriceps and calves. Some say this is due to the effects of testosterone. However, those who have been around for a while know that this is not the case. The truth is trans women have powerful muscular legs because they carry with them a near immeasurable amount of self confidence every day. Self confidence that would weigh your average cis woman down.

Laid over this raw power, there is also a softness — a downright sensualness —that amplifies the attractiveness of trans women’s thighs and calves. The legs of trans women are not all harsh angles and strength. They are supple, and smooth, and graceful.

Trans women have the sorts of legs that make you think, “She could snap someone in half with those!” And, if you really want to be certain that you’ve found a trans woman, look for the legs that, regardless of your gender or sexual orientation, make you wonder if the woman in question might snap you in half, if you treated her well and asked nicely.”

Thirdly there are shoulders: “But of course, these sorts of powerful, beautiful legs are not entirely unique to trans women. Some cis women have rockin’ legs. That’s why you should also look closely at the shoulders of the women around you.

Trans women have broad, elegant shoulders. You know those power-shoulders women often talk about wanting? You know, the kind that say, “If you screw with me, I will flip you over my head into the nearest trash bin?” Trans girls got ‘em in spades. You’ll notice these immaculate, commanding shoulders peeking out from workout tanks, stretching out below elegant necks, and mirroring the width of the owner’s hips.”

And faces: “trans and cis chins are often different. The chins of trans women are usually slightly larger than those of cis women. This is no accident. When trans women raise their chins up slightly, they want to be sure that the gesture thoroughly conveys the sense of personal pride that they have. A smaller, more petite chin can convey pride, sure. However, such a diminutive chin often conveys pride of the aristocratic or elitist sort. On the contrary, the pride that trans women have is a wholesome, blue collar sort — the sort of pride earned through a hard day’s, or a hard life’s, work.

Trans women likewise often have a stronger jaw than most cis women. This comes from years of practice in being, and looking, determined. Through the countless occasions in which trans women have to set their jaw and push forward with composure and grace, it inevitably develops a certain width and breadth that says, “I know who and what I am, and what I am is unstoppable.” This sort of determination is hard won, and so trans women wear it for all to see.”

Finally (for this post) the author puts it all together: “However, you can be relatively sure that you have found a trans woman when you have found a woman who stands head and shoulders above her peers; who is powerful and sensual; and who commands respect. You can be sure that you have found a trans woman when you have found a woman who is proud of herself; who is determined; and who is intelligent, brave and revolutionary.”

This is not all there is to this post written by Galen Mitchell. You can read the whole post here. Thanks again Bobbie for sending along an interesting different look at transgender women!

A Delicate Subject

As I am continuing to write different chapters in my book, one in particular has me slightly on edge. I have named the Chapter, “What is a Woman?” It’s one of the chapters I literally started years ago and I was surprised how much my ideas have changed. For one, I have mellowed out in my overall ideas. Even though my basic ideas have not changed. I don’t believe biological females are born women. I also believe biological males are not born men. Both genders are socialized during their lives to hopefully become women and/or men. So where does that leave transgender women? If it walks like a duck, acts like a duck and look likes a duck…is it a duck?

Naturally, we trans women find ourselves in a different place than biological women. We found our path to our own unique brand of womanhood a totally different way. Unfortunately, many of us were torn from the process. Personally I knew women operated on a more layered existence than men. Although times do seem to be changing slightly, it is normally up to the women to raise a family (including taking care of a man) kids and a house while often having to hold down a job. I can’t imagine the stress involved with living that kind of life.
All of this takes me back to my cross dressing days when my wife accused me of just wanting to pick the “fun” aspects of being a woman and leaving the rest behind. I was guilty as charged.

It’s true also that cis women lead a rather intense hormonal driven life. At puberty they go through the intense changes which basically stick around (with monthly periods mixed in for good measure) until menopause. Even though the binary gender known as cis women live longer than cis men, they face an old age made of of various illnesses such as brittle bones. I read somewhere that men live brief violent lives compared to long miserable lives for women.

Regardless of all of that, I believe my journey on both sides of the gender fence has led me to quite a few unique perspectives. Plus, my addition of feminine hormones has given my emotions a feminine edge, or at the least more of a softer exterior to match an interior person who often longed for the feminine side of life. I don’t think HRT has made me anymore of a trans woman but has helped me to feel more of the world along the way.
Bottom line is, for either binary gender, it’s not how you feel as much as how you interact with the world. It just so happened that everyday when I woke up in the morning, I questioned my gender and I forever will regret having to do that. Along the way, I had to find away to succeed in the male dominated world I was in and I did. Thus, I knew how I felt but was never sure how I was going to interact and maintain any of the life as I knew it.

I am going to take the easy way out here and say a “female” knows what she is from birth and sometimes grows into a woman. A transgender woman is not sure sure of what she is at first. But once she does discover it, she has a much of a chance of growing into a woman too as the female.

Trans-Transphobia?

Even though it sounds like a contradiction in terms but in the transgender community you can definitely think transphobia is possible. It could even come from at least two sources.

The first of which are left over male vestiges from a Mtf gender transition. Take Caitlynn Jenner for example. Knowing fair well the incoming Republican candidate was anti trans, she still supported him anyhow. She couldn’t do away with all her previous male life, even if it meant protecting future transgender rights. Most certainly cis women support Republican ideas too but do their phobia’s come from different places than men. Most people think women are the kinder and more gentle gender aren’t always correct. I have known too many trans women who still can’t leave their male past behind for any number of reasons.

I think too, much of this relates to the “I’m more transer than thou” attitude, another reflection of latent transphobia.
In our earliest cross dressing days, many of us (including me) fixate so totally on looking feminine, we do lose fact of what being feminine is all about. However, all the operations in the world, can’t “teach” you how to be a cis woman. You have to live it, like they did. At this point, good old male competitiveness sets in. More operations and/or a nicer wardrobe make you more of a “woman” than the next trans woman. Maybe the people who still advocate for going stealth to escape the community are right.

Plus, it is exceedingly difficult to cross the gender frontier and it takes more than a little internal fortitude to do it. If you able to come through it unscathed as a human being, you have done well. As we all know too, there are so many different layers to being a cross dresser all the way to living full time as a transgender woman. I am one myself as I am relatively rare in the circles of people I know. I have been able to carve out a successful life living in a feminine world. Without the expense or pain of any operations.

To each their own though, I have one dear friend who had her genital realignment surgery postponed at the last possible minute because of the Ohio Covid Virus restrictions on elective surgeries. Daily, I hope for the day she can finally realize her dream of have the gender confirming surgery. Like her, it is easy to get stuck in the complex layers of who we are.
Before we know it, if we are not careful, we can become transphobic without even realizing it.

Nobody “Made” Me

I do quite a bit of skimming of my email feeds to try to seek out topics to write posts about. Naturally, sometimes I run into quite a bit of interesting material, then again on days like today, not so much.

The closest I could come was a post I read which referred to being “made” into a transgender person. The post referred to some sort of a deep dark trans force which seized us and made us the way we are. It is still difficult for many people in everyday society to understand we didn’t have a choice the way our life has unfolded. Many people still don’t know if we continue to live in the gender we were born in either leads to a life of misery as a best case scenario or suicide at it’s worst. To be sure we did not “choose” such a life.

Years ago, after one of my all out Halloween “costume” attempts, two of my close cis women friends brought up the party and said “I made a good looking woman.” For one of the few times of my life I was speechless. Finally, I blurted out something like “a lot of good it did me.”

What really happened was for a change I had aligned my inner self with how I projected my gender into society and it worked. Looking back on it years later, I wish I had thought of saying I wished I had a power to make someone.

It’s also true though, I shouldn’t have looked a gift horse in the mouth (or other places of it’s anatomy) and just accepted the compliment. In all fairness, I still had decades of growth and learning in a feminine world to be able to know how to conduct myself. So, if I was “made” as a woman. So be it.

Unfortunately, the times I had to try to show my feminine side in public were limited to once a year at Halloween. Plus, when I started to experiment more and more in the feminine world, I was made as a man in a dress.

I do feel these days, the tide is slowly changing (even with the current administration in Washington) and transgender women and men are beginning to be viewed with some sense of normalcy.

Perhaps now people will understand we trans folks were born this way and didn’t have a choice. More respect should follow.

She Read my Mind

As you stress out on a daily basis on what you are going to wear to best express your feminine self, I bet along the way you have thought it must be wonderful to be a cis woman and not have to worry so much.

If the truth be known, the only advantage cis women have over transgender women and/or cross dressers is practice and feedback. Of course they have years of practice dressing feminine and plenty of feedback if they happen to do it right or wrong. Usually, by the time we get to live as our authentic selves, we have quite a bit of catching up to do.

I can attest it is easy to get into a rut once you start to live full time for an extended amount of time.

Imagine my amazement when I saw my life in writing on the “Total Image Consultant” blog which to my knowledge has nothing to do with the transgender world at all:

“Dear Cyrsti,
As a business woman with a full schedule, I get it – how easy it is to shift into autopilot, put on the same top and pants each week, day after day, and go about your tasks without ever checking in on yourself and your true desires.

Have you ever had that feeling that who the world is seeing on the outside is not the woman you truly are on the inside?

Years ago I struggled with this a lot. I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I felt different from others, but also wanted to blend in and feel accepted, but nothing I did worked. I tried dressing like the women I saw, but somehow they always looked better. It took me a while, but I finally realized that trying to be a poor imitation of another person was not going to help me feel fulfilled and authentically me! That was a big awakening and I also knew I had to learn HOW to express my own brand of uniqueness. Ahhhh, what a difference that made!

And, that’s why I was thrilled when my friend (and conscious fashion stylist) Amanda Weil told me she was hosting an interview series all around this topic and weaving in personal style as a way to embody your true self and feel seen, valuable, and ALIVE. Even more exciting, I’m one of the experts she’s invited on the series to help guide you to embody your true self!”

Wow! I don’t believe I have ever read something a “civilian” wrote describing me so well! I hope you got as much out of it as I did!

Sports and the Transgender Girl

It’s Super Bowl Sunday and it’s time to look back at my former love affair with the NFL. I say former because following the futile games of the Cincinnati Bengals has nearly broken all interest I had concerning pro football. I feel much different of course when it comes to The Ohio State Buckeyes and college football. It could be argued the Buckeyes were the best football team in Ohio last year when compared to the Cleveland Browns and the Bengals.

Along the way as I transitioned, I wondered if or why I would/should maintain any interest in sports at all. Then, as I established a new set of female friends, I learned they were as loyal and knowledgeable sports fans as I was. I found out I could bring my love of sports with me. The whole deal was as I was building the new me, I found out she wasn’t the girly-girl type I thought at one time I would have to be. I could as easily sit at a bar with other women and drink beer as well as some fruity feminine drink.

I even was invited to tag along to a NFL Monday Night Football game in Cincinnati years ago. Sure I was scared to death but I went. Another lesson learned how sports didn’t have to have a gender.

It does help I played quite a bit of football and baseball when I was young and understood the games strategies as they played out. In my past it was humorous on the rare occasions I became involved in conversations with men on sports, I had to dumb it out in order not to hurt their precious male egos.

The moral to my story is you can bring your loves with you as you transition. You don’t have to adhere to the gender norms society lays on us.

Of course if you decide to go to a Super Bowl party today and really don’t care who wins, you can watch the game for the commercials and the half time entertainment. As many women will do. Just have a good time!

Thanks for the Input!

I am on several other blogging and social media platforms with my Cyrsti’s Condo Blog. In fact, I have several great friends who follow posts on Facebook. A couple of these friends I was fortunate to meet in person, years ago. Recently one of them, Jen sent me this comment concerning our journey as transgender women and men:

“Im sure it’s a journey that isn’t a bed of roses. I’m sure most people don’t understand so much especially about this subject. I think its important to have light on this and along with many other struggles people face. I have no doubt that the victories are won when its realized how strong one has become through the struggles, pain and finally becoming the living story that says you can do anything you set your mind to and love yourself and be who you are even when no one else doesn’t accept you.

Many like to turn their noses or point the finger while all along, they have their own skeletons and struggles they hide and hate on others. I applaud you, I applaud the one suffering silently, the one that suffers publicly and the one who takes that first step and the many others that you yourself and the others that you have shared about.the struggles and victories are a testimony and inspire me. Thank you.”… Thank you Jen! You inspire me!❤

On another subject, Connie wrote in on the “Rude Paul” post commenting on my speculation that Paul was yet another old, cis gender male rump supporter:

“Well, I’m sure that Trump is a Paul supporter. Not that he supports his lifestyle, necessarily, but he seems to hold admiration for anyone who can turn a buck by using their “personality” to garner favor from the public. Even if it is more like the appeal of a train wreck, playing to the fools who would be attracted to whatever they are selling is Trump’s MO. Of course, it’s not so much the product, but the self-branding that is important to their successes. B.T. Barnum depended on the “sucker born every minute,” and knew that he could still sell circus tickets to the very people he publicly deemed to be suckers. Trump and Paul are no different, except that they have the ability to use modern technology to draw many more people into their circuses.”

Imagine rump watching drag race at the White House and trying to figure out how he can rip off more votes by watching it?