Bar Room Shuffle

Georgette as well as others responded to my Halloween “Political Connection” post here on Cyrsti’s Condo. Thanks very much and here is another experience from Halloween a couple years later. 

At this time in my life, my second wife and I recently married and moved from our native Ohio to the New York City metro area. I left my fast food job for a better offer. 

As it turns out my second wife who knew of my cross dressing desires before saying yes to my marriage proposal kept closer track of me. Especially when it came to going out by myself cross dressed. I only bring this up because this all happened in the early 1980’s and my memory doesn’t go back that far on many issues. 

At any rate, one of my female assistant managers was having a Halloween party with her and a few friends. I really didn’t know the wonderful experience I was about to begin as she invited me along.

This Halloween I chose an in between “costume” idea. I would wear one of my shortest dresses and accessorize it with heels, jewelry and big hair so popular in those days. Of course my wife did not approve but I thought I looked great. 

Out the door I went and met at a pre set up location, where I would meet the other party goers. I was amazed when I discovered the other attendees were all cis women and were dressed similar to me. When I walked in to the living room where they were all waiting, you could have heard a pin drop as they looked me over head to toe. The reactions were priceless when they found out the truth about me. What made the whole experience so priceless also was the fact they were all almost as tall as I was. 

It was quickly time to leave and I didn’t even know where I was going with this group of women. My skill in walking in heels was put to the test when I learned we were walking the short distance down the block to a neighborhood bar which was having the party. As we walked, I tried to hold my head up and walk with as much pride as the women. After all, this was my first “girl’s night out” like it or not.

Amazingly to me, no one in the bar paid me much attention, assuming I blended in so well with the other women I was with.   

After a while though, they drifted away from me and I was left with my drink and an elderly man who kept trying to get me to dance. 

All too soon it was time to head back again to my boring male world. The only problem this time was going out to the Halloween party with one of my assistant managers cross dressed could have potential consequences. Fortunately, all I experienced were the comments which said how good I looked. Perhaps a little too good for a supposed “casual” costume.

The only real downside turned out to being the gender euphoria rush which was hell coming down from and the fights with my wife which ensued. The only saving grace was I knew there were transvestite mixers nearby I could attend. 

I wouldn’t have to wait for another Halloween to test the public and see if I could at least make it appearance wise in a feminine world. 

Gender Euphoria

Over the years I have certainly posted here in Cyrsti’s Condo concerning my battles with gender dysphoria. However, I can’t ever remember writing about gender euphoria.

The reason I bring it up comes from an experience I had yesterday at the auto repair shop.
Along the way I have never totally gotten over my internal fears of going unattended to a male dominated business such as a auto repair shop.Β 

Yesterday though,  my fears (and gender dysphoria) were quickly put to rest when the male clerk said “Can I help you Mam” From there I checked my car in and waited for my oil change to be completed. 

From the opening comment on, for the rest of the day, I took advantage of an all to brief wave of gender euphoria. 

As I started to look back in my my life, I really did have more than several euphoric moments as I went on an exciting yet terrifying journey to living as my authentic gender self. From the earliest days as a kid staring into a mirror at the feminine girl looking back at me, all the way to the occasions at lesbian mixers when I was approached and flirted with. When my two lesbian friends couldn’t seem to generate any interest. 

As I look back at my life also, I see the times of gender euphoria coming along often just at the right times which I needed to keep moving along. All the times when I was sent home crying due to cruel comments and harassments.  Of course too, as I mentioned in a recent post, there was the physical gender euphoria which came with my hormone replacement therapy. 

I could write another post (or two) on episodes of euphoria which encouraged me to keep going down the path to living full time as a transgender woman. Many of them revolved around Halloween, which I will try to write about before the holiday is upon us.

In the meantime, the only words of wisdom I may try to come up with is, try to feel and cherish any incidents of gender euphoria you may have. They could keep you going.

Assertive Comments

 I received several comments concerning my post “Revoked” which centered around being ignored as a woman. 

The first comes from Connie: “It’s OK for a woman to be assertive. She may be perceived to be a bitch in doing so, but if it’s by someone being paid to do a job, I don’t care what they may think of me. Arguing with the worker probably wouldn’t get the desired results, anyway. Of course, calling a manager labels a woman as a “Karen” these days. Still, these are people who will, most likely, never be seen again.
There is also the matter of ageism that plays out in getting decent service oftentimes. I’d have to believe that a delivery man would bend over backward for a young woman for just her smile. Older people are seen as being easier to take advantage of.”
So true! Age does factor in! Thanks for the comment.
The second comes from Michelle: 

“It is “HELL” when you are treated like you don’t know any better than the clowns that take it for grant it that as a woman you may know more than they think. I sometimes revert to dressing down to look somewhat manly when we have a repairman show up just so we are not taken advantage of. After they leave my, partner just sits there laughing at my shenanigans’.

I’m fortunate in that my partner picks up the slack in some of the more intense situations. Thanks for the comment!

Patch Day

Photo Credit Cyrsti Hart

 Every Tuesday and Friday during the week I change out my Estradiol patches. 

Over the years I have come to accept my femininizing meds as the most important medication I take except my bi-polar meds. 

Approximately eight years ago I started down the hormone replacement therapy path. I began with a doctor who prescribed minimum doses until we could see how my body adapted. Other than a six month stoppage due to another health problem, I have been on the femininizing meds ever since.

Every once in awhile I do write about the changes here in Cyrsti’s Condo but I try not to because results vary so completely among users. Plus, since I have such a difficult time remembering last week, recalling exact times and dates of HRT changes are difficult to come up with.

I do have several thoughts on the timings to pass along, although your results could vary. First of all, make certain you have a medical professional to monitor your dosage. Estrogen is a powerful drug and abuse can cause you health problems.

Now, lets get back to the matter at hand. Most likely since I was in my early sixties when I started, changes didn’t take long to appear. My natural supply of testosterone was on the way down anyhow. What I remember most was how my breasts started to change, along with my emotions it seemed. I prefer to describe the whole experience as my world was suddenly softening. I rediscovered long hidden emotions which went all the way to experiencing hot flashes which didn’t do me any good when I discovered I was cold all the time and women weren’t just making it up.

I was fortunate in that I inherited a full head of hair which started to grow longer and thicker with HRT. Body hair started to thin except for my beard which had never been very thick to start with. All of this  went along with skin softening. Amazingly, my appearance took on a more feminine look with new softer lines.

One other thing which never changed was my voice. Along the way I did try vocal lessons but wasn’t really satisfied with the results.

As I look back  on all the years I experienced on  hormone replacement therapy, I am so thankful my body was able to accept the changes it went through. 

Every patch day, I pause and thank the Goddess for her help in guiding me down a path not many humans experience. All of which is dependent of my little patches. Then again, I have  an appointment coming up next week with my Endocrinologist, she holds the ultimate future of my journey in her hands. 

In many ways I feel the patches have provided me with an exciting yet terrifying magic carpet ride.

Monday Inspiration

This is a good one for everyone. 

If you are already out, good for you. You have paved the way for other transgender women and men in the future.

If you have not had the chance to live as your authentic gender self, don’t give up. Many times the world can change quickly and you will have a chance. I am an example of that.

Another important consideration to not forget is even though you are not out, don’t forget to support others who are. Many times you can do it at the ballot box.

In the mean time, appreciate your day!

Revoked

 This morning my partner Liz and I had a new refrigerator delivered and it was a clown show.

First of all, the refrigerator was damaged. Since our hands were tied and we needed cooling for our food of course, we have to wait two more days for another unit. So we accepted the one which was delivered. 

The clowns who delivered it weren’t done though. We paid extra for them to take the old refrigerator away and they left it. When questioned, they said they couldn’t get it past the gate the new one just came through. 

I just couldn’t accept the fact the whole process would have been different if there would have been a “man” in the house. I felt helpless to provide much backing. 

I know “back in the day” as a guy I could have made a difference. Overall, I still wouldn’t trade where I am.

I knew going into my transgender transition, losing my male privilege’s would be the most difficult part.  

Fellow Trans Vet

 Georgette, a fellow “more mature” transgender woman sent this comment in from the “Medium” writing format.:

“I read most all of these Late in Life Transition stories, Not for any real knowledge, But to get some perspective of what took so many years for so many to finally make the jump Gender Wise,

I am one of the few that made that jump over 45+ years ago, Like so many others during my youth in the 50s-60s I couldn’t understand what was “wrong” with me,

I was accidentally outed when in the US Navy (69-74) around 72/73, I was sure my life was ended but the Navy surprised me and was not discharged,

Because of that I had to find out all I could at the time, TG was not in much use yet, TS and “Gender Identity Disorder” were just starting to be understood more,

The result was from 74-77 I quickly made all the Transition happen with the Final SRS in 77, And lived with my partner (Also Post TS) till she died in 2014,

Since coming back out to a much changed LGBT+ world, I have met SO many (Way too many) late bloomers,

Much of what I have heard from them is “If I had known back then what is known now life would have different”,

I have a hard time with relating to most all of the current TG/TS people that I meet,

I will read some more on your travels in all this.”

Thanks for the comment! I was in the Army from 1972-1975.

Mentors

Myself, Nikki and Kim (left) photo credit Cyrsti Hart

Referring back to a Cyrsti’s Condo post concerning several cis women friends I had when I first was learning to play in the women’s sandbox, the term “mentors” came up. 

As I thought about it, I became aware mentors could be a very vague term. For example, many could consider a mentor who aides you with your appearance, make up and clothes. 

As you can tell by the photo above, my friends did not emphasize much make up at all. I was the only one who did and I did it all myself.

Of course by that time, I had years of practice. 

What my cis friends did teach me was how to value my self as a transgender woman.Β  Since they both were lesbians, I learned I did not need a man to validate me as a woman.Β 

This picture pre dates my relationship with my current partner Liz, so by the time I met her I had a clearer idea of who I was and how I fit in in a feminine world. 

My advice is to be your own mentor. Practice makes perfect as far as your appearance goes. Plus, once you make your way past the appearance phase, the real work begins. Learning to rebuild your personality away from when you tried and failed to live as a guy is a major task. One example is communicating  woman  to woman and dressing to blend. I learned the hard way not totally accept the compliment of looking great. Great for what? A man cross dressed as a woman? 

Granted, finding a mentor of any form is rough. I was just fortunate when I threw caution to the wind and put myself out in the world.  When you find a mentor of any sort, put your old male ego aside and learn all you can.

Great Point!

 Recently I wrote a post called “A Bridge too Far” here in Cyrsti’s Condo. Along the way in the post about novice transgender women facing the difficult task and decision to fully come out of their closet, I left out a very important point. 

Paula was kind enough to comment on it:

“Most of the things we are frightened of never happen! I suspect that it is fear that held a lot of back, yet it is also our example that it makes it all less scary for those following behind us.


Despite what the haters and the popular news media might like us to belief it is my experience that the vast majority of people, especially cis women! will be our supporters, our helpers, and our defenders. They understand that that they lose nothing, no rights, no security, by accepting us into “the sisterhood”.


As I said, great points. Thanks Paula.Β