Every time I finish an appointment with my long time therapist, my partner Liz always digs deep to discover if I have told her (or anyone) of my deepest secrets. Yesterday, I finally told her (Liz) no I don’t go that deep with my therapist. I have a tendency to dance around any subject which pertains to me. We have been having sessions now for nearly a decade now so her familiarity with me allows me to dance away and rarely does she (therapist) catch me.
I’m sure the reason I do it is goes back to the majority of my life when I struggled to hide my gender dysphoria totally along with the inability to even understand what was going on with being bi-polar. Needless to say the entire process was very difficult and I became very good at hiding my true self from others.
Even though Liz still has to take a pry bar to me to get me to show emotions, I am trying in my own backward way to be more outgoing.
As far as my therapist goes though, maybe I should pull down the barriers and let her have it. Then again maybe not. My Dad was very emotionally withdrawn. It’s just so difficult to overcome.
Yesterday was time for my bi-weekly appointment with my long time therapist from the Veterans Administration.
The session started with the usual questions. How is everything going and have I had any thoughts of harming myself. I answered truthfully. Everything is moving along fine and no I haven’t had any thoughts of self harm since the last time we talked.
Since it was a video appointment I did do my beauty routine, pulled my hair back and was ready. I chose a short sleeved tank top which happened to be a beige patterned fabric. I guess on my old lap top camera it looked as if I wasn’t wearing anything at all because not too far into the session, she asked was I wearing any clothes?
After the laughter died down, I assured her it was warm in our house but not that warm.
We finished the session with me telling her maybe naked therapy was the wave of the future. She said I would be surprised all the things she sees since the VA started video visits.
Actually, from my experiences when I used to show up in person for my appointments, nothing would surprise me.
When I woke up this morning and headed to the bath room, of course I had to check myself out in the mirror to see if I was still alive.
Even after all these years, the mirror experience can never be taken for granted. On certain mornings I see too much of my male self peaking through. Then on other days, I am pleased with seeing all my hair along with my breasts, soft skim and rounder face. All of which scream feminine.
To make a long story short, I am living on a gender fault line. Another word for the gender dysphoria which has been part of me for as long as I can remember.
I feel the tremors. Not as bad as when I was trying to live as both genders but still noticeable. I used to have the tremors so bad I could feel an explosion coming on if I didn’t cross dress into my authentic self to relieve the pressure.
I would not wish my life on the gender fault line on anyone but then again the chance to experience both human binary genders has at times been electrifying yet terrifying.
Yesterday was time to get my blood work taken at the Dayton Veteran’s Administration.
The trip was very uneventful except for the person who checked my body temp for covid symptoms as we entered the hospital. Evidently we had the air conditioner set too low because my body temp was 2 degrees too cold! I told her I probably was half dead and off we went.
The good thing about going on Saturday is, there are very few people seeking blood work. It was true again as I was the only one in the waiting room.
I had to have seven vials of blood taken plus I was supposed to leave a sample of urine. The technician gave me a choice and I said no. So, I suppose I will be in trouble with which ever of my doctors who ordered it. It just continues my long standing evasion since the Army from peeing in the cup. All in all, I am always looking for a way to shortcut the system. It’s been years since I have tried any marijuana edibles so drugs are out. I am old and boring.
For the trip of approximately an hour and a half one way, I wore an decidedly VA outfit. A short sleeve rather form fitting tank top with flared jeans.
So all in all, except for a sore arm it was a good day.
Of course I am biased but I have always thought a human changing gender was one of the most difficult things to attempt.
As far as I am concerned, as I began to become more serious about making the jump to a transgender feminine life, I began to practice feminine mannerisms when I thought others weren’t watching. I would go to big box stores during their down times just to practice my walk.
Earliest known Picture Circa 2012
Make up wasn’t such a problem for me as I had been applying it for literally decades before I seriously decided to transition. As I remember though, I had to remind myself to not overdo it. As I started to go out and live with women and be accepted, I had to learn to blend.
Of course, all bets were off when I started hormone replacement therapy. Even though I started on a bare minimum dose, the changes began to be very unmistakable. The obvious happened, I grew breasts and let my hair grow out. The surprise came when my skin softened and my face began subtle changes. All in all, I had planned a year before I had to put my male self in the closet. I ended up revising it to six months.
As I look back to the whole experience, I was fortunate in that I found a small group of cis women to socialize with. I always say they taught me more about the feminine lifestyle than I could have ever learned on my own. But learn I did.
Putting my old guy self in the closet was one of the most satisfying things I have ever done. Overall though, changing gender gears was as terrifying as it was exciting. It was an experience I was born to do.
By now, I am sure you have heard the exciting news the cover model of this years “Sports Illustrated” swimsuit issue is transgender woman Leyna Bloom.
When I first heard the news, I think it took awhile for the enormity of the cover to set in.
Obviously, it is one thing to make it into the issue as a transgender woman at all but to make it on to the cover is wonderful.
All of my thoughts turned to “back in the day” when I worked as a restaurant manager and had a “Sports Illustrated” subscription. all my cooks knew I was going to be receiving the swimsuit issue and were clamoring to see it ASAP.
I can only imagine their reaction when they found out the cover model was transgender.
Perhaps times have changed enough that it’s time for a Leyna Bloom to be accepted.
I could use the kinder and gentler “envious” word but I can’t. Yesterday I was just jealous.
It was grocery shopping day and Liz and I went out to battle the heat and stock up on all the fruits and vegetables we needed for our new diet.
As we started our journey down the produce isle, I couldn’t help but notice a woman in a short romper style print dress. I was entranced. The whole process took me back to all the old days of desiring so many cis women. Not sexually. I wanted to be them. To feel what they felt.
As all the old feelings came flooding back to me, I told myself the usual. Even though I have achieved more than I ever thought I could in a transgender world, I will never in this lifetime achieve the body and look of the woman I was admiring.
All too soon she went her separate way in the store, my dreams faded and the reality of the day set back in.
Facebook in all it’s wisdom sent me this picture today from eleven years ago.
This was taken during one of my very first trips to the women’s room at a venue where I was able to “flip” myself. Meaning I started to go there as a guy with my deceased wife before she passed and after I started to go there as a novice transgender woman.
What I notice also in this picture was my attention to detail. From my long wavy dark wig, to my jewelry, rings and sunglasses, I tried to cover all the feminine basics
The same is true when I go back and explore some of the earliest posts of the Cyrsti’s Condo blog. I noticed I wrote much more about the effort I put into to looking the best feminine self I could do. As the years went on and I started to live fulltime in the feminine world the blog drifted towards more of a lifestyle effort.
As I look back on those days so far ago, I do remember how terrified I was but on the other hand, how excited I felt.
The end result of course was I finally figured out my male self had to go into the closet and I could start a life as my authentic self.
I read lots of books, from mythology retellings to literary fiction and I love to reread books from childhood, this is a place to voice my thoughts for fun. I also like to ramble about things such as art or nature every now and again.