Inspiration is Fleeting

Or is it? Every morning when I wake up, I do a quick self examination of my body to see what hurts the most, or at all. Very quickly I then move on to thinking about the blog and what I have written about in the past. Every now and then, I come up with a former experience from years ago in my past.

Plus every once in a while, I am able to find a picture to aid in the story. An example is this picture from a decade ago in 2010.  Somehow, I was able to come up with my own version of primitive photo shopping on my cell phone. I did it by taking my picture in a mirror so I could see myself as I did it. My goal was to take a picture to add to my profile on the multiple dating sites I was exploring. 

The hair in the photo was a wig of course. Ironically my hair currently is as long and nearly as wavy if I add a liberal amount of mousse after I wash it. 

It’s also taken me nearly a decade to grow my own breasts which were comparable to the forms I wore back then. Of course I am fortunate to have been able to undergo hormone replacement therapy at my age.

So, inspiration for a blog post is fleeting when I am well over 6,000 posts written for Cyrsti’s Condo.

One good thing about the picture is, it is the one my partner Liz saw and decided to respond to me because I had “sad eyes”. At that point in time I did. 

It was taken before I found a circle of accepting friends who helped me transition and gain a whole new level of inspiration.


 This quote really brought back memories of my very early days when I was entering out into a terrifying yet exciting feminine world. 

It seemed everytime I tried something would go wrong. An example would be when my heel snagged a crack in floor at a mall I was walking in. I went from from proudly walking along to almost falling on my face.  Overtime, I fell on my face quite a bit but I learned.

Overtime, I learned practice did make perfect and I learned to live as a transgender woman full time. Probably what really happened was I finally arrived at a point where I was comfortable in my own skin and didn’t need an imagined acceptance from the world to live an authentic life.

This quote comes close to saying it all:

Finding Me

Sadly, it seems I have spent the majority of my life searching for my true self. Selfishly, on occasion, I want the time back. Of course, I know it is impossible to regain time spent, so I try to make sense of it all. I try to remember all the highlights (and low lights) of desperately trying to discover my true gender. Unfortunately, I didn’t make all the right moves as I went down the gender path to transgender womanhood.

One major mistake I made was trying so hard to make my presentation perfect, I neglected the most important part of my Mtf gender transition, what kind of feminine person did I want to become. As I started to go out to the same venues, I was recognized as a person. I recognized at the time, it was because I was trying to discover a new world as a cross dresser but I didn’t want to be known as a bitchy one. 

Then I came to the point when I couldn’t “put the genie back in the bottle.” I was seriously beginning to establish myself as a feminine person and it felt good and natural. Better yet, it was easy for me to be a “nice” person since the greatest majority of the people I met were nice to me. Essentially I was taking another giant step out of the mirror. Early on when I went out shopping or whatever, it seemed all I was doing was going from mirror to mirror to try to re enforce my feminine appearance. 

Looking back on all of this now, it seems like a blur when in reality it took years to happen. 

As I like to do, I’m bringing in another quote from a person named Emma who went through a similar experience:

“I have searched a lifetime for me, never understanding who I was. My ignorance made me afraid of me. Everyone around me shared the same ignorance and fear.
How desperately sad. How tragic. What a heartbreaking thing to finally realize… but what an amazing discovery. What an exciting realization. What an opportunity to touch a part of your neglected heart, an untouched part of your soul, and to know it’s ok to share it all with the world.

It’s ok to feel these hidden pieces mend and meld to make you feel whole, finally, and to tenderly feel their warmth.
It’s like the passing of a storm. The clouds part, and the warm rays of sun create your own personal rainbow. You suddenly breathe in and know that your lungs are filled with the joy of life.

I always will hold on to these moments of discovery for the rest of my life. No one will ever take them away from me.”

Well put!