Changing Gender Gears

 Of course I am biased but I have always thought a human changing gender was one of the most difficult things to attempt. 

As far as I am concerned, as I began to become more serious about making the jump to a transgender feminine life, I began to practice feminine mannerisms when I thought others weren’t watching. I would go to big box stores during their down times just to practice my walk. 

Earliest known 
Picture
Circa 2012

Make up wasn’t such a problem for me as I had been applying it for literally decades before I seriously decided to transition. As I remember though, I had to remind myself to not overdo it. As I started to go out and live with women and be accepted, I had to learn to blend. 

Of course, all bets were off when I started hormone replacement therapy. Even though I started on a bare minimum dose, the changes began to be very unmistakable.  The obvious happened, I grew breasts and let my hair grow out. The surprise came when my skin softened and my face began subtle changes. All in all, I had planned a year before I had to put my male self in the closet. I ended up revising it to six months. 

As I look back to the whole experience, I was fortunate in that I found a small group of cis women to socialize with. I always say they taught me more about the feminine lifestyle than I could have ever learned on my own. But learn I did.

Putting my old guy self in the closet was one of the most satisfying things I have ever done. Overall though, changing gender gears was as terrifying as it was exciting. It was an experience I was born to do.
  

Jealousy

I could use the kinder and gentler “envious” word but I can’t. Yesterday I was just jealous. 

It was grocery shopping day and Liz and I went out to battle the heat and stock up on all the fruits and vegetables we needed for our new diet. 

As we started our journey down the produce isle, I couldn’t help but notice a woman in a short romper style print dress. I was entranced. The whole process took me back to all the old days of desiring so many cis women. Not sexually. I wanted to be them. To feel what they felt. 

As all the old feelings came flooding back to me, I told myself the usual. Even though I have achieved more than I ever thought I could in a transgender world, I will never in this lifetime achieve the body and look of the woman I was admiring. 

All too soon she went her separate way in the store, my dreams faded and the reality of the day set back in. 

Demons into Angels

 “Back in the day” when I was strongly considering making the big jump and starting to live as my authentic feminine transgender self, I considered the whole process as sliding down a slippery slope. One day, I would just go too far, make the leap and put my male self into the closet. The more I explored the world as a transgender woman, the more I wanted to. 

Looking back at the whole process now, I have a tendency to .look at it as an interaction between my personal angels and demons. I suppose it all goes back to when I was growing up and I considered my transgender leanings as being demons. 

Of course, finally all of the “demon” thoughts began to change. Rightfully so, my mean old male self became the demon to kept me out of the world for all those years. As my feminine self took over, she certainly wasn’t an angel. She partied hard and for the most part had a good time. Perhaps she was making up for lost time. 

Each of us are individuals trying to make our own journeys as pleasant as possible. 

The quicker you are able to turn your male demons into female angels the better your life will be. Each of us has to seek out our own path to do it. 

An Actual Transgender Widow

Connie (above) sent this comment in concerning her wife…a trans widow: 

“My wife is a trans widow. When asked how she’s been able to handle my transition, she’ll tell you that she had to, first, mourn the loss of the man she married. So did I, really. We’ve been married for 49 years, but it’s not the same marriage that we had for the first 40. I know, however, that it would have ended altogether had I continued with the deceit that accompanied and facilitated my cross dressing. I was lying to her and to myself, because I was never really a cross dresser. Even after I came to realize that fact, I continued to live a double life (unsuccessfully, for the most part) for a number of years.


Unlike your situation, my wife was far more receptive to my transitioning than she was to my cross dressing. I’m so much more accessible, both physically and emotionally, than I was when I was sneaking out to “get my girl on.” Furthermore, a night out led to my depression the next day. I would wake up the next morning still feeling every bit the woman I had been the night before, and I just couldn’t bear the thought of facing the day as a man anymore. My wife recognized this, and she decided that she’d rather have a happier woman in her life than a depressed husband. However, she will never waver from her declaration to me that she made in the beginning: “I am not a Lesbian!”.


As always, thanks for the comment! My wife used to say the same thing about being a lesbian. During one bitter fight, I was stupid enough to say she was protesting too much. She did not see the humor in it.

Be Yourself

 Emma wrote into Cyrsti’s Condo with a wonderful comment on how to go about achieving confidence as you enter the feminine world:

” Indeed, I agree completely that confidence is our best accessory. But how does one gain confidence? For those of us who’re used to just living authentically what can we advise others?
I think there are a couple of things:
1) As you progress through the world, grocery shopping, doing the mundane things, look around and notice, especially those who you wouldn’t normally pay attention to. I know I’m drawn to those I admire, such as pretty, small, young. The truth is that the world is full of a huge variety of people. The message: people just don’t notice most others.

2) Do you remember the song “Almost Cut My Hair” by Crosby, Stills, and Nash? In it they sing about letting their “freak flag fly.” While we’re certainly not freaks it’s fair and okay to just put ourselves out there and be, as we are.

3) For most of us, no amount of makeup, padding, and other stuff is going to make us blend in seamlessly. So, get over it. Lose the excessive makeup. No one wears it, and just having all that on your face calls unwanted attention. Again, pay attention to the women you see and present in a similar way according to your own taste.

4) When it comes down to that moment of taking the first step out, consider this mantra that I used to repeat to myself:

“Whenever we feel fear, it means we’re up against some kind of wall … on the other side of the wall is some kind of freedom.”

Get to the freedom. It’s worth it.”


As I said, a wonderful comment! Thanks Emma!


Once you get to the freedom, there is nothing like it. 

A Face in the Crowd

Several pictures have emerged from the transgender – cross dresser social event I attended the other night.  

Since I had to wait at the bar to find out where I paid for my drink at, I was one of the last ones to be seated and thus showed up in the picture 

I am at the bottom right of the picture next to my good friend Lawren. I believe nineteen attended.  

Even though I am rather shy, I did have a good time.

Mother’s Day

It’s Mother’s Day again. A time to take a moment to stop and remember the person who brought us into the world. 

During our formative years, our Mother’s provided us with examples (intended or not) what a woman goes through in life. Some Mother’s even were more supportive than others when it came to them sensing or learning of our gender desires to be a girl. 

My Mom never/ever gave any sort of an idea she would be accepting at all of the idea her first born son wanting to become feminine at the least. I was strongly expected to follow in the patriarchal footsteps set up in our WWII era family. The problem was no matter how hard I tried to be a successful male, the more stress it caused me. 

I have written many times on how the first time I tried to come out to my Mom played out. It was after I was discharged from the Army and was enjoying the success of coming out to a close group of friends about being a “transvestite”. For some reason I thought she would accept me too. It didn’t work that way as she offered to pay for shock therapy to cure the “problem.”  From that point forward, we never discussed my gender issues again the rest of her life. 

It took me years to overlook that night and understand our differences. 

These days, I have chosen to accept the positives of our relationship. I inherited her spirit in many ways. She wasn’t shy and operated her life using very few filters. From her I learned almost anything was possible which aided me immensely as I embarked on a very difficult journey to complete my gender change. 

The day finally came when I decided to consider  possible names I would use when I went through the process of legally changing my legal gender markers. Initially I  chose my Mom’s first name as my middle name as sort of a “got ya” moment. After a while though, as my thoughts about her began to change so did the reflections on using her name. 

So, Mom, I love you very much and thanks for the sacrifices you made to have me. She had gone through three still births before me and was ready to give up and adopt. Her persistence in many ways describes my life and I appreciate all you did. 

Retribution

Well, yesterday turned out to be quite the day. My first trip to the dentist came and went, along with a trip to the phone store to replace my cell phone which did not survive a toilet swim. Outside of the obvious necessities, the day seemed like a “re-coming ” out day for my fulltime transgender feminine self.

The dentist was first. As I mentioned before, the information form I filled out only had room for three genders…male, female and “unspecified.” I chose the unspecified box and prepared myself for an appointment full of gender confusion. After all, this was one of a very few times in the past year I had spent any significant time without a mask. As bad as my teeth were, I didn’t want to show them off which was impossible in a dentist’s office. 

It turned out I didn’t have to worry when I heard the woman who checked me in respond to the hygienist who was working on me as “she.” My heart soared as my mouth hurt. 

To make a long story short, as I suspected, my top teeth (or what was left of them) were shot and my bottom teeth were in good shape. So, I was a candidate for top dentures. Subtitled,  goodbye stimulus checks. Finally, I will have my smile back.

After heading back home to pick Liz up, we went to the phone store. The young clerk who waited on us had no problem with calling me she and her. After another hit to my bank account, I walked out with a new phone. 

The whole day was wonderful in that it recharged my gender batteries. For once I didn’t feel any inner imposter guilt when I was called “she” or “her.” I felt it was my retribution for all the years of transgender struggle and gender dysphoria I went through to arrive where I am. 

One thing the pandemic taught me was how much I needed the public gender feedback I received to survive. I know who I am every morning when I wake up but sometimes it takes a little reinforcement from the public to let me know the real me. 

A Busy Week?

Summer in Ohio

This week could turn out to be deceptively busy.

Today (Monday) I went with my partner Liz to receive her second vaccine shot. Tonight is another transgender – crossdresser support group meeting if I chose to attend. I might since the last one was well attended and not too boring.

Wednesday is my second college class virtual Q & A with a couple others from the Rainbow Elder Group I am a member of. The first class I went too a couple weeks ago at another local university proved to be educational and lively. The students came up with great questions concerning transgender folks.

Along the way this week too, I plan on calling Liz’s dentist to make a long put off appointment to schedule quite a bit of much needed dental work. It will be interesting to see how fast they will take to schedule me.

Updates to follow.