Georgette as well as others responded to my Halloween “Political Connection” post here on Cyrsti’s Condo. Thanks very much and here is another experience from Halloween a couple years later.
At this time in my life, my second wife and I recently married and moved from our native Ohio to the New York City metro area. I left my fast food job for a better offer.
As it turns out my second wife who knew of my cross dressing desires before saying yes to my marriage proposal kept closer track of me. Especially when it came to going out by myself cross dressed. I only bring this up because this all happened in the early 1980’s and my memory doesn’t go back that far on many issues.
At any rate, one of my female assistant managers was having a Halloween party with her and a few friends. I really didn’t know the wonderful experience I was about to begin as she invited me along.
This Halloween I chose an in between “costume” idea. I would wear one of my shortest dresses and accessorize it with heels, jewelry and big hair so popular in those days. Of course my wife did not approve but I thought I looked great.
Out the door I went and met at a pre set up location, where I would meet the other party goers. I was amazed when I discovered the other attendees were all cis women and were dressed similar to me. When I walked in to the living room where they were all waiting, you could have heard a pin drop as they looked me over head to toe. The reactions were priceless when they found out the truth about me. What made the whole experience so priceless also was the fact they were all almost as tall as I was.
It was quickly time to leave and I didn’t even know where I was going with this group of women. My skill in walking in heels was put to the test when I learned we were walking the short distance down the block to a neighborhood bar which was having the party. As we walked, I tried to hold my head up and walk with as much pride as the women. After all, this was my first “girl’s night out” like it or not.
Amazingly to me, no one in the bar paid me much attention, assuming I blended in so well with the other women I was with.
After a while though, they drifted away from me and I was left with my drink and an elderly man who kept trying to get me to dance.
All too soon it was time to head back again to my boring male world. The only problem this time was going out to the Halloween party with one of my assistant managers cross dressed could have potential consequences. Fortunately, all I experienced were the comments which said how good I looked. Perhaps a little too good for a supposed “casual” costume.
The only real downside turned out to being the gender euphoria rush which was hell coming down from and the fights with my wife which ensued. The only saving grace was I knew there were transvestite mixers nearby I could attend.
I wouldn’t have to wait for another Halloween to test the public and see if I could at least make it appearance wise in a feminine world.
Over the years I have certainly posted here in Cyrsti’s Condo concerning my battles with gender dysphoria. However, I can’t ever remember writing about gender euphoria.
The reason I bring it up comes from an experience I had yesterday at the auto repair shop. Along the way I have never totally gotten over my internal fears of going unattended to a male dominated business such as a auto repair shop.
Yesterday though, my fears (and gender dysphoria) were quickly put to rest when the male clerk said “Can I help you Mam” From there I checked my car in and waited for my oil change to be completed.
From the opening comment on, for the rest of the day, I took advantage of an all to brief wave of gender euphoria.
As I started to look back in my my life, I really did have more than several euphoric moments as I went on an exciting yet terrifying journey to living as my authentic gender self. From the earliest days as a kid staring into a mirror at the feminine girl looking back at me, all the way to the occasions at lesbian mixers when I was approached and flirted with. When my two lesbian friends couldn’t seem to generate any interest.
As I look back at my life also, I see the times of gender euphoria coming along often just at the right times which I needed to keep moving along. All the times when I was sent home crying due to cruel comments and harassments. Of course too, as I mentioned in a recent post, there was the physical gender euphoria which came with my hormone replacement therapy.
I could write another post (or two) on episodes of euphoria which encouraged me to keep going down the path to living full time as a transgender woman. Many of them revolved around Halloween, which I will try to write about before the holiday is upon us.
In the meantime, the only words of wisdom I may try to come up with is, try to feel and cherish any incidents of gender euphoria you may have. They could keep you going.
I received several comments concerning my post “Revoked” which centered around being ignored as a woman.
The first comes from Connie: “It’s OK for a woman to be assertive. She may be perceived to be a bitch in doing so, but if it’s by someone being paid to do a job, I don’t care what they may think of me. Arguing with the worker probably wouldn’t get the desired results, anyway. Of course, calling a manager labels a woman as a “Karen” these days. Still, these are people who will, most likely, never be seen again. There is also the matter of ageism that plays out in getting decent service oftentimes. I’d have to believe that a delivery man would bend over backward for a young woman for just her smile. Older people are seen as being easier to take advantage of.” So true! Age does factor in! Thanks for the comment. The second comes from Michelle:
“It is “HELL” when you are treated like you don’t know any better than the clowns that take it for grant it that as a woman you may know more than they think. I sometimes revert to dressing down to look somewhat manly when we have a repairman show up just so we are not taken advantage of. After they leave my, partner just sits there laughing at my shenanigans’.
I’m fortunate in that my partner picks up the slack in some of the more intense situations. Thanks for the comment!
Every Tuesday and Friday during the week I change out my Estradiol patches.
Over the years I have come to accept my femininizing meds as the most important medication I take except my bi-polar meds.
Approximately eight years ago I started down the hormone replacement therapy path. I began with a doctor who prescribed minimum doses until we could see how my body adapted. Other than a six month stoppage due to another health problem, I have been on the femininizing meds ever since.
Every once in awhile I do write about the changes here in Cyrsti’s Condo but I try not to because results vary so completely among users. Plus, since I have such a difficult time remembering last week, recalling exact times and dates of HRT changes are difficult to come up with.
I do have several thoughts on the timings to pass along, although your results could vary. First of all, make certain you have a medical professional to monitor your dosage. Estrogen is a powerful drug and abuse can cause you health problems.
Now, lets get back to the matter at hand. Most likely since I was in my early sixties when I started, changes didn’t take long to appear. My natural supply of testosterone was on the way down anyhow. What I remember most was how my breasts started to change, along with my emotions it seemed. I prefer to describe the whole experience as my world was suddenly softening. I rediscovered long hidden emotions which went all the way to experiencing hot flashes which didn’t do me any good when I discovered I was cold all the time and women weren’t just making it up.
I was fortunate in that I inherited a full head of hair which started to grow longer and thicker with HRT. Body hair started to thin except for my beard which had never been very thick to start with. All of this went along with skin softening. Amazingly, my appearance took on a more feminine look with new softer lines.
One other thing which never changed was my voice. Along the way I did try vocal lessons but wasn’t really satisfied with the results.
As I look back on all the years I experienced on hormone replacement therapy, I am so thankful my body was able to accept the changes it went through.
Every patch day, I pause and thank the Goddess for her help in guiding me down a path not many humans experience. All of which is dependent of my little patches. Then again, I have an appointment coming up next week with my Endocrinologist, she holds the ultimate future of my journey in her hands.
In many ways I feel the patches have provided me with an exciting yet terrifying magic carpet ride.
It’s no big secret crossing the gender frontier to actually come out and follow a feminine transgender lifestyle is a daunting and huge move.
Personally, I am one to build too many bridges to jump off of, whether I need to or not. I suffer from anxiety along with other mental disorders. In other words I obsess completely and come up with extra scenarios. Most of which will never come true, yet I spend too much time worrying abut them.
For years I looked at the decision to do the right thing and live as a woman as sliding down a slippery slope towards a gender cliff. From which there was no return. It was easy to play the safe game and try to live as both genders…until it almost killed me. I couldn’t take it anymore and took advantage of the gender bridge I was seeing. All of a sudden, instead of jumping off of it, the bridge was providing me a pathway to gender freedom and I could live as my authentic self.
To make a long story short, I was able to turn a tragic circumstance into a positive when my wife of twenty five years passed away. She never accepted me being transgender and of course the whole situation caused tremendous stress within the relationship. As I built my gender bridge and was beginning to explore the feminine world, all along the ultimate resolution (her death) was the last thing which would happen.
Bridges are funny things. Some are tall, long and scary, others are short, low and non threatening. The gender bridge is definitely is one of the scary ones. Once I decided to cross my bridge, along came hormone replacement therapy compliments of the Veterans Administration to help me. As they say, timing is everything. When I needed it most, my physical persona began to take a decided change to the feminine side.
I also was able to find several close cis woman friends who accepted me as one of their own and I learned many unwritten rules of the feminine gender.
Hopefully as you view your bridge, it is not as scary as it appears to be. Keep in mind too, what seems like an impossible crossing today may change tomorrow.
I have written numerous times here in Cyrsti’s Condo concerning how crucial it is to be careful when you first begin to explore the feminine world.
You lose many things when you cross the gender frontier and lose your male privileges. The most important one to consider is your own personal security. In society, the feminine gender is simply the one which becomes the target for physical and emotional abuse.
My idea’s on the subject were brought up again when I read a post from Mandy and her experience in a coin shop. To make a long story short, she encountered a questionable man who was trying to buy her coins instead of the store. Mandy has her own very long hair, painted nails and has no problem “passing” as a woman. On this occasion, perhaps “passing” could be the least of her problems. Fortunately the store clerk got rid of the man in question and Mandy even noted his license plate when he left.
Over the years I have noted my own close calls with the public when I first began to come out. In particular, I wrote about the near altercation I had with two men outside a gay bar late one night in downtown Dayton, Ohio. I paid my way out of that with the last five dollars I had in my purse. The next time I went to the same area in my long black skirt with a deep slit, matching sleeveless tank top and long straight flowing dark wig, I asked for support when I left. I was meeting two lesbians and I asked them to walk me to my car. Which they gladly did.
All transgender women should learn quickly to park in lighted areas, as close as possible to your destination. In other words, do not make yourself a target. It’s a double edged sword because if you look too good you could be a target. Or, if someone clocks you as a transgender woman, trouble could erupt again.
Some trans women I know, as well as cis women too go to the drastic step of carrying self protection. From pepper spray to fire arms I have heard it all. My partner Liz (who has martial arts training) has purchase long pointed objects to go on our key chains in case something happens.
Also, bars and taverns around the country are placing warning signs in the women’s restrooms to provide possible help to women in need.(above)
How sad is it any of this has to happen. Or sadder yet I have to write about it.
Just be aware when you transition, your greatest privilege loss could be your personal security.
Sunday turned out to be a wonderful day for several reasons.
First of all, it was another beautiful autumn day with highs in the mid 70’s (F)
Also, for some unknown reason, Liz’s 23 year old son invited us out to lunch. It was one of those days when my gender dysphoric self gave me a break and I thought my feminine self was able to shine through. Ironically, even my face is thinning out again, which accentuates my cheek bones. Other than that, I chose a nice pair of leggings and lightweight lacy top. I even got real fancy and wore a pair of earrings which I try to do on occasion to insure the holes in my ears don’t grow shut. (They haven’t). All in all, I felt good which always is the number one accessory a transgender woman can have.
Once we arrived at the restaurant we had gone to for years, we found out they were closing early due to staffing issues so we had to hurry our lunch. It vaguely occurred to me to go somewhere else but I didn’t say anything and we stayed. Ultimately we ended up taking most of our food to go. The disappointment came when there was very little public to see or to be seen. Even though all my attention to detail with my appearance seemingly was wasted, the whole experience was good for my soul.
Also yesterday another rarity happened. The Cincinnati NFL football team went to their arch-rival Pittsburgh Steeler homefield and won for the first in like fifteen years. So life was good again.
With my birthday coming up in the not so distant future, I should be able to talk Liz into a special night or two.
I read lots of books, from mythology retellings to literary fiction and I love to reread books from childhood, this is a place to voice my thoughts for fun. I also like to ramble about things such as art or nature every now and again.