Tennis Anyone?

This is another of my continuing series of posts revolving around chances I took cross dressing my way into becoming a transgender woman and living fulltime in a feminine world. 

In the restaurant/bar I used to manage, two cis women who I presumed were in their fifties, came in several days a week to enjoy a cocktail or two. During the warmer months they used to stop by after their tennis matches in their tennis outfits. Of course I was jealous of the fact I didn’t have an outfit to match theirs.

Around the point in time I am writing about, the stores I loved to shop in started to carry short thin ribbed flared dresses in larger sizes. Perfect to put together a tennis outfit. All I needed to do was find a white one. As luck would have it, I found one in my size. I then set out to complete my “outfit”. The problem I had was finding items and then hiding them from my wife. As luck would have it, we had a rarely visited other closet where I could hide an item. Often in plain sight. 

Now, back to the outfit. Finding a pair of white tennis shoes in my size actually proved to be fairly easy too. Now I had to figure out what to do about my legs. Even though I was able to shave my legs back then I added a pair of Leggs pantyhose and even added a pair of white thigh highs which didn’t exactly fit the idea of what a cis woman would wear with a tennis outfit but still added some pizzaz to the whole image. After all, I was reliving my non existent teen girl years I missed. 

I finished off the whole tennis image with my long straight blonde wig.

Let me add in here, I had rarely even touched a tennis racket in my life so I would be without one when I went out.  Once I was secure (the best I could) in my tennis woman outfit, I headed out to one of my favorite up scale malls. My wife was working that day so I had free time on my hands. Once I arrived at the mall, I was able to semi relax and feel the air on my legs and I found also I attracted quite a bit of attention from the older men who seemingly were there to supposedly walk but probably to look at women too. 

The whole situation was I equated being stared at as validation as a woman. I was  to learn later in life it was so wrong. There is a thin line between being classy and trashy when you are first cross dressing in public. I’m afraid I crossed the line into trashy in my early days of journeying into a feminine world. If my tennis outfit crossed into trashy I can’t tell you. It was so long ago.

My story is I was doing nothing different  than other cis women I had mentioned above. It was only another attempt to be just like them. 

Tennis was just an excuse.

The Cracked Egg

 After reading a couple other transgender related posts and talking indirectly to a novice cross dresser who is near my age and is able to finally get out into the feminine world as her old/new self, I came up with the gender being an egg theory. 

Let me explain a bit. 

Not unlike a baby chick trying to break out of the egg, a transgender person is trying to do the same thing when it comes to expressing our gender. Along the way, we have differing levels of success achieving opening our egg and bursting into a brave new world. Everyone is so different, yet so the same. Depending upon the amount of testosterone poisoning we had to endure, Mtf transitioning can be a daunting task. One of the things I had to tell the person I was chatting with last night was try to dress accordingly to where you are going and don’t compare yourself to all the other beautiful models and/or trans girls you see on line. But do read up on all the ways you can approve your appearance. And, above all, don’t try to dress as a sexy twenty something when you are a half a decade older. However, that does not mean you should dress like your granny. 

In other words, try to enjoy yourself and do the best you can until you are able to be more experienced as a novice cross dresser and/or transgender person. 

I wonder these days too, if the term cross dresser is on it’s way out seemingly like the word transvestite did years ago. I suppose it is because recently, the people I have encountered just coming out of their gender shells (or eggs) are identifying themselves as transgender. Of course, the whole subject just makes an already difficult idea even more confusing. 

Looking back at my gender/egg experience, I know I made every terrible mistake in the cross dressing handbook before I settled in to a semblance of finding my way in a feminine world. I can’t take any credit for that either because of all the friends who took me in. 

As with any other human life, coming out of your egg is never easy. It’s just for transgender women or men, we get a chance to do it twice.

Running and Hiding

Gender dysphoria always has been my most serious competitor.

It seems my entire life, I have tried to outrun it, just pausing for the brief periods when I was able to cross dress and/or pursue my feminine self constructively in public. 

Along the way, I frenetically changed jobs and even places I lived trying to outrun myself. On the positive side, I was able to experience many different cultures (in the Army) as well as several diverse locations in the continental United States such as the metro New York City area all the way to the Appalachian areas along the Ohio River in Southern Ohio. 

Fortunately, most of my job changes led to upward momentum in my career field I made very few lateral moves. Ironically, at the same time, I was refining my cross dressing to the point where I could almost present comfortably as a feminine person in public.

All of success of course did nothing to sooth my gender dysphoria. In fact, it made it worse. The more I succeeded, the more I wanted to. Increasingly, dysphoria was making my life more and more miserable as I struggled to keep my genders separate. I found myself consciously trying to walk like a woman when I was working as a macho man. Not a good idea.

Instead of giving in to the “dark side” and accepting my strong feminine side, I persisted which led me down the ugliest part of my life which should have been one of my happiest. My wife at the time knew I was cross dressing but never ever accepted me taking the next step and beginning hormone replacement therapy. Instead of doing the courageous thing and gracefully ending the relationship, I began to sneak out as a woman and try to lie about it. Through it all, I was and am a terrible liar and was in constant trouble. As I have written here before, my gender dysphoria ultimately led me to a very serious suicide attempt. 

From there I decided to retreat back to my male self and save the relationship. It worked, even though I was miserable. Tragically, I didn’t have to wait long for my life to change. My wife suddenly passed away a year later. It was an extremely dark period in my life when I lost several other close friends also. 

Finally, I gave in to my feminine side and went back to cross dressing as much as I could. As I “gave in” to my natural self, I didn’t have to run and hide anymore. What a relief. The more I learned about transgender humans, I knew I found what I had been looking for. I was tired of running.