Mark sent this comment in regarding the recent post called “You Make a Terrible Woman”. “Very well done too Liz viewing YOU as a WOMAN …NO–Way do YOU make a terrible Woman . Putting your self down there .MARK”
Thanks for the comment Mark. First of all I don’t think either of us (deceased wife) or myself took it literally the way she said it. First of all, I didn’t make anything. I only was moving in the only survivable direction I could by putting my male self in the closet and living as my authentic self. Plus, since she is no longer able to speak for herself, she did add she wasn’t referring to my appearance.
Being of a stubborn nature, it took me awhile to understand exactly what she was trying to tell me. After all, I had spent a lifetime admiring and observing the girls and women around me. By doing it I could only observe the external workings of a feminine world. If I had the chance to go inside, perhaps I wouldn’t have been so enamored with the feminine binary gender. As I learned so many years later women operate with their own set of unique passions. Specifically with aggression. Understandably, men deal with power and women with passive aggressiveness.
I am fond of saying when I started to play in the woman’s “sandbox” I found I had to be on the outlook for knives being aimed at my back. Smiles many times meant nothing.
So Mark, I wasn’t really putting myself down. Her comment served to send me back to the drawing board. I had to find out what she meant. In those days it was difficult because of the very rare times I had to get out of the closet and live as my authentic self. In fact, it took me twenty years before I could even come close to doing it.
Once I did begin to get out in the world, I found appearance was the easiest hurdle I had to face. Not because I looked so good, it was because other factors became so important. Such as very quickly I had to learn to communicate one on one with other women. All of a sudden, what they didn’t say became as important as what they did say. Plus, what was I going to do about my voice. I finally went to a voice coach to learn the difference between men and women as they communicate.
In some senses I feel the powerful “terrible” comment is a wonderful motivator for me. It keeps me focused on being the best person I can be and not squandering a truly powerful opportunity to lead a quality life as my authentic self.