As transgender women and men, who we really are at times causes us significant mental duress.
I know with me, it took me nearly fifty years to finally come to the conclusion I was living life as a lie as I desperately tried to hang on to the remaining vestiges of my life as a guy. The problem I had was, every now and then I would have a pleasurable male experience or enjoyed a bit of the white male privilege I thought I had earned. During those moments, I would question why I would want to give it all up and enter the feminine world. Of course all of it caused me great stress which I ended up labeling gender dysphoria.
As I have written in depth before here in Cyrsti’s Condo, all of my gender stress and tension led me to a very active suicide attempt.
It’s no surprise too, so many transgender folk go back and forth wondering about their gender choices. After all, there
are too many instances of transitioning trans women or men losing family and/or jobs. Too many become desperately lonely.
It’s tough, we are stuck in one of the most difficult journeys a human being can make. It’s so difficult and complex, we have a very tough time even explaining to others we didn’t have a choice to journey down the gender path we are on.
My answer to who I am in reality comes in a large part from my interaction with my partner Liz. When my gender dysphoria is getting me down, she reminds me in so many ways I am so much more of a girl than she is.
I am also fortunate to have the effects of my hormone replacement therapy to fall back on. When I awake in the morning I have the immediate reality of my hair and breasts reminding me of who I have become. As shallow as at of that may seem, the bottom line is through all of this I am just me.
These days though it’s easier to express me in a truer form in the public’s eye. It’s who I really am.