Trans in Smoke and Mirrors

Gender Dysphoria and how it effects us separately is often a very personal experience. Also it revolves too on how we interact with the public as a transgender woman. In other words, do we pass. I dislike the term but it is one of the few I could use other than “present.”

I remember the days when I first began to try my hand at a feminine life, I chose places which had an abundance of mirrors I could reinforce my feminine image in. One place I recall many visits was a large coat factory store where I could try many women’s winter coats I couldn’t afford. One in particular was a pale blue mid length wool coat I dearly loved. I’m surprised I didn’t get kicked out of the store for being a pest and not buying anything.

Still I persisted with mirrors I even sought out sports bar venues where I could sit facing the mirrors behind the bar to reinforce my feminine thoughts. Of course the feelings were fleeting and all too soon, I was left alone with my Mtf gender dysphoria.

Recently I read another take on the whole idea called “Being Trans in a World of Mirrors” by Emma Holiday: “Everyone has moments of self-criticism and self-hate. They can be even more painful if parents, siblings or friends highlight your own perceived weaknesses. That kind of negative attention takes the extra rawness and makes it throb inside our soul. We are all forced to find ways to deal with it and survive; it gives psychiatrists, psychologists and bartenders job security.

But being transgender seems to be the Olympics of internal pain and external vulnerability. Over the last three years I have experienced the transgender gauntlet of gender dysphoria in all its glory. It is an inescapable experience of doubt, confusion, shame, guilt, anger and fear, churning 24/7 in your head. When you have gender dysphoria, the frightening statistic that 40% of transgender people attempt suicide suddenly makes sense.”

Of course Emma has more to add and you can read it here.

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