During the past several days here in Cyrsti’s Condo, we have been discussing the possible use of the drug DES, which was prescribed to high risk pregnancy mothers in the late 1940’s and early 1950’s. Possibly the extra estrogen in the womb it caused contributed to transgender babies later in life. It was one of those factors I read about when I was desperately searching for any information I could find on the reasons I turned out to be transgender. Until I accepted being trans, I was very bitter. In other words, I was thinking too much life had dealt me a bad hand, full of lemons. Connie picked up on the idea and commented:
” When life gives you lemons, and you want to make lemonade, first you must squeeze the juice into troubled water. Many of us get that far in the process, but then just find ourselves living a rather sour and troubled existence for far too long. It’s the sweetness, which we find within ourselves, that must be added to the mix, in order for it to be palatable – if not refreshing.
When I learned of DES, I considered it as a possibility of an answer to my gender identity issues only briefly. By then, I had already decided that knowing the “why” of it wasn’t going to change anything. I could give a bunch more reasons for how my mother might have been the cause of problems in my life, but DES would not have been her fault, anyway. The last words she uttered, before she died in hospice twelve years ago, were, “It’s nobody’s fault.” Although she wasn’t clear as to a particular thing, I have to believe that it was, at least, partly in reference to my gender identity. As sure as I am that it was her way of asking for forgiveness, it was also an expression of forgiveness for everyone else – including my feminine-self.
I could argue that there is nothing to forgive for my gender identity. There is an awful amount to forgive for how I manipulated things and others in dealing with it, however. I’ve often heard of the “sweetness of revenge,” but that sweetness quickly gives way to bitterness. Forgiveness is the only way toward lasting sweetness in life. Put that in your lemonade and drink it!”
It’s another hot, humid day around here so a big glass of lemonade will taste good. I learned long ago not to concentrate on the negative…or try too!