This morning as I looked into the mirror, it occurred to me how mach I have changed and how much I haven’t.
Of course, over the years I have been able to grow a respectable set of breasts and quite the head of hair which now extends to the middle of my back. My ability to have been able to have gone on hormone replacement therapy has provided me with all of this.
What it never did provide me was an overall peace of mind. To start with, let us go all the way back to my childhood. I have seen ideas over the years of when children determine their gender. The bottom line is the time can be variable but the result is the same. Or is it? My problem with the whole idea is what if I never definitively came up with what gender I wanted to be. The best I could ever come up with was the somewhat vague idea I really wanted to be a girl, even though I was firmly entrenched in a male world.
My idea is now, the time of gender indecision I was going through was the beginning of my gender dysphoria. Which I still suffer from today. In fact, I did this morning. Somehow, someway I was still the questioning child in the mirror.
Perhaps I will never be home. I only desire is to not be mis gendered and dead named when I die.
More than likely, it will be the only time I will have a true understanding of why my life turned out the way it did. I will finally make it home. Until that time, it seems I will be stuck with me telling the mirror “No matter what you say mirror, all you see is me.”