No Growth without Change

I saw this quote this morning as I was going through a few of my Word Press contacts and discovered this quote from Almas who writes about his internal monologue. At that point I started to think about all the times during my gender transition when I have been so scared I thought I couldn’t move. 


Possibly the first of which occurred when I was probably no older than twelve. During that time of my life, I augmented my meager allowance by delivering newspapers  in the rural area we lived. I was able to save enough money to attempt to buy my own cross dressing accessories such as makeup. As it turned out, my Grandma lived within walking distance of the medium sized town we lived close to. 


Once I accumulated enough money, I figured out a way I could visit Grandma and spend the night. With my plan in place, I proceeded to do it. As I was to find out, that was the easy part. Finally the time arrived to try out my plan and needless to say I was equally thrilled and scared to go shopping for makeup for the first time ever. The downtown had several of the old school variety stores before Wal-Mart and the mall wiped them all out.

I carefully chose one and after circling it several times, I decided to go in. My Dad didn’t work too far away and he was the last person I wanted to run into! After I was fairly certain I didn’t know anyone in the store, I found the makeup counter. Then I was truly in a panic. I had no idea of what to buy, there were so many choices. 


Somehow, I calmed down enough to purchase a couple items and found the nerve to go pay for them. My worst fears were not founded as she barely checked out my treasures and sent me on my way.
I changed and grew dramatically on that day. I knew from then on I was capable of buying my own feminine items. Even tough countess times I bought the wrong thing, again I was changing and growing. As it turned out, my next big purchases were a pair of my own black tights and shoes. 


Little did I know, this would only be the first of many chances to expand my transition in the years ahead.


On a another subject, I decided to add an old picture of me from several years ago as a dark haired summer casual woman to combat all the recent blondes I have shared here in Cyrsti’s Condo,  

4 Comments

  1. What a hard time it had to be when you had these earlier experiences of your journey. I’m glad you had the courage and took the chances of making those first purchases. If not, by letting that fear hold you down, you probably would have struggled by not getting to live your life to its fullest and be who you are today. Also, that question probably would have always haunted you, “What if..”
    Now days, I know its not completely 100% accepted by society to dress and live as we wish. However, this generation has help along the way with things such as support groups, internet tutorials, television and with the lifestyle starting to be more common. (though we still have a long road ahead) What I’m saying is the gratitude for you, my beautiful friend and others that have taken on the hard part to pave the road to our future generations. I know for a fact that suicide can be a factor in the torment that one suffers just to live as who they are. I lost a dear friend to this. My friend was humiliated and publicly found out of his lifestyle. It affected his job and when his mother found out, he couldnt take the pain of the disappointment that he felt he put on her. My heart still to this day breaks. It shouldn’t have been that way. He wasn’t hurting anyone yet the stones were cast until it finally took his life.
    I am so very grateful for the road that is being paved for the generations to come. So hopefully people will not have to live secretly having the fear of rejection, cruelty, guilt and disappointment of this world come at them, trying and tear them down. This road is being paved by you and others that have opened up and share their stories that I hope will reach the one feeling alone and feeling as though they have no choice and have to live a miserable life in hiding or even implicating suicide. Thank you. By discussing these things and others being open minded, it may save the one who’s suffering by this world being able to accept and not discriminate.
    That very person may come across this blog and find the support and encouragement they need to live and not only to live, but to live the life they want and know that they are not alone. Thank you for sharing. ❤🙏💕

    1. Every once in a while, I receive a very wonderful and enlightening comment I want to share with others on the blog. This is one of those times! Thanks for your inspiration!

  2. It’s a long and sometimes almost insurmountable road.

    Since I haven’t officially “transitioned”, I can only imagine the fears and terrors along the way. But you have handled them, and are making progress. If my turn should come eventually, I can only hope that I’m able to handle it. You, and a bunch of the other girls, are an inspiration!

    Mandy

  3. You are an inspiration in your own way! Being able to juggle a marriage and a life you have carved out for yourself is wonderful! But thanks for the kind words. They mean a lot 🙂

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